Shades Of Blue

60. Rock Bottom

*WARNING FOR DRUGS AND THEMES OF SUICIDE*

Benjie

January

Age 20

Benjie could feel Neel's concerned stare fixed onto him as they sat together in the living room of the loft. It had been a week since Neel had picked him up by the side of the road. It was clear that he hadn't changed his flight, he had blown it off to run out and save Benjie. Neel didn't understand it, but the last thing Benjie needed right now was to know he had robbed him of his first "normal" Christmas in years. His parents were angry, but Neel told them he wouldn't be coming home for the break. Instead, he practically moved in with Benjie so he could be his keeper, make sure he was still breathing. Benjie had never felt so pathetic in his entire life.

Since that fickle, surreal morning, Benjie had made it his top priority to get high as often as possible. He could no longer take his own thoughts, his memories, what he was now. He preferred the exhilaration and the risk. If he snorted enough, then his heart would eventually give. He wished it would just happen already. Benjie was finished. There was nothing left to do or give. He was done.

"Do you have to do that tonight?" Neel wondered, watching Benjie prepare a few lines of cocaine for himself.

"Yes."

With a burdened sigh, Neel adjusted in his seat.

"You said you wouldn't judge," Benjie pointed out.

"I'm not judging," Neel assured him. "I'm worried about you."

"Don't. You're wasting your energy."

"Can't help it," Neel mumbled.

"You need to get over that," Benjie told him. "No point in worrying about something you can't control. It's best to just accept the clear inevitability here."

"What are you talking about?"

Benjie snorted another line, this one as thick as his pinkie. "You don't have to stay here babysitting me."

"That's not why I'm here."

"Feels like it," Benjie clarified. "You're just making it harder for yourself."

Neel's thick brows were knitted in fearful confusion. "Making what harder?"

"You know... When I'm gone."

Neel's stare was heavy. "Where are you going?"

Benjie let out a manic chuckle and gave Neel a knowing look. "Come on, man. When I'm...when I'm gone."

Neel began to shake his head from one side to the other. "Why are you talking about this? You're not going anywhere."

"Keep telling yourself that," he quipped as he went to snort his third line.

Neel grabbed him by the arm. "Can you stop doing that shit?"

"I think you should go home."

"Why?"

"Because," Benjie announced as though that were answer enough. "You need to let me go, just like you did before."

"What the hell are you talking about, Benj? I never let you go, not for a second," Neel argued, his chest aching.

"You left me," Benjie informed him.

"No, you left me!" Neel asserted. "You started screwing Jake."

"Cut the shit, man. You moved on first," Benjie pointed out, a hint of anger in his good eye. "Halloween?"

In realization, Neel ran his hands down his face. Nurse Marnie. He took a deep breath, unsure what to say. "I..."

"I don't need an apology," Benjie told him as he shook his head. "I just need you to leave."

"Why?" he asked once more. "I don't understand."

Benjie took Neel's hand as he leaned toward him for their foreheads to meet. When they did, he shut his eyes, letting a tear roll down his cheek. "I can't," his breath trembled. "I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"Everything," he replied, devastated. "Anything."

Neel carefully held Benjie's miserable face. "It'll get better. I promise."

Benjie shook his head, refusing to listen. "It won't. So, I need you to go."

"No."

"Please, Neel. I need this."

"I'm not letting you kill yourself," Neel cried. "No. Fuck you. You go, I go, and I'm not done living yet, so you're not gonna ditch me here."

"I can't..." Benjie began to weep.

"You can," Neel insisted. "You're too strong to give up."

Pulling away, Benjie wiped away his tears and went back to the line Neel had drawn him away from. He glanced at Neel before snorting the line. "I tried to warn you."