Shades Of Blue

23. Fidelity

Neel

September

Age 20

Across the table from Neel, Benjie bounced his leg anxiously while Jake left them to pay the bar tab. Icy eyes studied Neel, searching for some hidden detail or secret.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Neel inquired.

"Sorry," Benjie replied, his gaze retreating again to Neel's wristwatch.

"Stop apologizing," Neel requested, removing his glasses to gently rub his eyelids.

Benjie glanced over his shoulder to the bar, setting his sights on Jake before he turned back to Neel. "Did you...?" he began then stopped, unable to find the nerve to ask.

"Did I what?"

Benjie's mouth twisted around as he searched for the right words but quickly retreated and shook his head.

The silence. How had Neel forgotten the vexation that accompanied Benjie's bullheaded silence? "Did I what?" Neel groaned. "Use your words like an adult."

A glare was shot across the table as Benjie adjusted his posture. He looked his ex-lover in the eye and asked his question point blank. "Did you two ever fool around?"

Neel let his gaze linger with Benjie's for a moment. "No. I haven't been with a guy since you."

"But you've dated people?" Benjie tried to confirm.

Neel stared down at Benjie's bare hand, then down at his own watch. "I was celibate for over a year," he confessed, trying to hide his resentment.

After some hesitation, Benjie said, "no one asked you to do that."

Annoyance and the cusp of anger were pushed out of him to make way for a trickle of what Neel had been holding onto for too long. His heart was breaking all over again. He dried his eyes before the tears were noticeable and placed his glasses back on. "We shouldn't talk about that kind of stuff."

August

Age 17

They sat in Moira's living room on the couch as a cut version of Friday the 13th played on television. Her parents gave them privacy, watching TV in their bedroom. Taking advantage of some alone time, Moira's limbs were draped around Neel as he kissed her neck. His hand squeezed her breast as they grinded on on another on the couch. She seemed relieved, finally receiving some attention after hounding him for a real date. As things heated, Neel's hand wandered down her torso until he reached the zipper to her jeans.

Moira grasped his hand and let out a giggle. "Not with my parents home."

"They won't hear us," Neel insisted before he gently bit her neck. He slowly unzipped her pants and unlatched the top button. Sliding his hand into her jeans, Neel finally kissed her mouth. He did that so little lately.

Her nails bit into his skin before Moira glanced around them with worry. "They could walk in," she told her boyfriend, pushing him away.

As she readjusted on the couch, her legs no longer around him, Neel let slip a grunt of frustration.

Moira showered his face with kisses. "Don't be like that, we just hafta go somewhere else."

"Like where?"

"What about that clubhouse you have?" she wondered, referring to the treehouse. She had learned of it when she found a picture of Neel and Benjie at age twelve, standing in front of the thick tree, the house hanging above in the background.

"No," Neel stated in a stern tone. Since he and Benjie started their friendship, Neel never invited anyone new to their treehouse. Doing so would taint it. He took his cellphone out from his pocket and quickly punched in a text to Benjie.

Neel: R u busy?

"Hey," Moira objected. "No texting on a date."

"Since when?" Neel wondered, distracted with the phone.

Neel: Wanna meet up??

Moira snatched the phone from his hands. "Since you stopped talking to me."

Neel rolled his eyes, not in the mood for a dramatic fight about their relationship. "I talk to you every day," he reminded her.

The cellphone vibrated in her hand. "Who are you texting?" she asked him in a calm tone, wary of scaring him off before she could inflict punishment.

"Benjie," Neel confessed, worrying at his lip with a foreign sense of impatience he didn't care for.

"Really?" 

"Yes."

"So, if I look to see who you just texted, it won't be some random girl?"

"Nope. Just Benjie," Neel assured his girlfriend. "That would be invading my privacy, though."

"Unless you gave me permission."

Neel held out his hand and waited for his property to be returned.

Instead, Moira bolted to her feet, turning her back to him as she flipped open the phone and opened the messenger app. She read a few of the most recent messages sent and received and almost seemed disappointed that she hadn't caught Neel doing something nefarious.

"What the hell, dude?" Neel complained. "I just told you I'm not cool with you going through my phone."

Moira tossed the phone back to him with a scowl. "Benjie can't meet up tonight. He wrote that he's busy, but he'll be glad to swing by tomorrow."

Neel shrugged, growing more agitated. "So?"

"You were gonna ditch me again," Moira accused. "What's wrong with you? You'd rather hang out in a clubhouse with your weird childhood bestie than fool around with your girlfriend. Is it me? You don't like me anymore or something?"

"Of course, I still like you," Neel admitted, searching for an excuse before Moira could stumble into the truth. "I just like having time for myself, too."

"With Benjie?"

"Yeah. What's wrong with that?"

She tapped her foot as she thought.

When it came to a breakup, Neel preferred to be on the receiving end, to be the one who was dumped. It was too difficult to initiate a breakup, to look someone who cared about him in the eye and tell them with finality that he wanted to move on. He knew he was in love with someone else, not in love with Moira at all, yet he couldn't do it. She would cry, which would force Neel to backpedal. Breaking someone's heart was something he wasn't sure he could do.

Maybe Benjie didn't mind sharing. They had maintained their strange friendship through other girlfriends. Maybe Neel could just wait until Moira initiated the breakup. Then he could walk away without as much guilt. He wondered if, at his core, he was lying to himself. Perhaps he enjoyed having them both, he enjoyed the love they both showered him with. Although Neel was agnostic, he was growing certain he would go to hell for this.