Shades Of Blue

9. Fitful

Neel

September

Age 16

At first, they would feel one another's hands. Not necessarily hold, just feel, exploring the trenches and plains of each other's palms like fortune tellers. As time went on, their hands would drift to the wrist, then the forearm. Neel would fidget with the elastic band Benjie always wore around his wrist, then let the tips of his fingers cascade across the smooth surface of the underside of his forearm. Benjie was the first to drift beyond the elbow to Neel's bicep, his touch as soft as falling snow.

Whenever these things happened, they had always consumed enough alcohol to rationalize it away. When they were sober, Benjie would recoil from Neel's touch even if they were alone.

Benjie's parents were freshly separated and Mr. Archer worked nights, so the boys had the run of the house for a short time.

Ellie had left with Mrs. Archer. Neel never felt right asking why Benjie hadn't gone as well. His mom and sister had moved out only a few days prior, leaving Neel and Benjie to get drunk every night after. On Saturday, what would have been the third night of drinking, Neel suggested they take the night off. Benjie's stomach was acting up, so he agreed and they spent the evening watching movies and playing video games.

Even though the house was large, Neel slept next to Benjie in his bed. It was big enough for them both. Nothing odd about it.

They lay back to back, waiting to fall asleep while Neel contemplated making a move. He loved these silent moments in the dark. He memorized them and played them in his head repeatedly. When he was alone at night, these moments were all he could think about. 

That was bad. It meant things were complicated, much more so than Neel understood.

Pulse racing, Neel turned onto his back, let his arms rest at his sides, and waited to see if Benjie would do the same. Usually, when inebriated, they would pretend to sleep as Benjie's pinkie crept over to Neel's hand. Would it happen when they were sober?

He wished he could simply grab Benjie and turn him so they could face one another. Neel wished he could kiss him. What would he taste like? What would his fair hair feel like between Neel's fingers? How soft were his lips? These questions hounded him constantly.

Neel could feel it as the mattress began to vibrate beneath his hand. Benjie's muscles were constricting as he fell into another shivering fit. It had been happening a lot over the last few months. Breaking up with Laurie had shattered him, pushing him further to the edges of his comfort zone.

Heart pounding faster now, Neel sprang into action and turned on his side to place his hand on his friend's shoulder.

Benjie's teeth chattered, clacking together so hard it sounded as though they would shatter from the force of his jaws.

"Calm down," Neel whispered as he moved in closer and wrapped an arm around him, resting his hand to his friend's chest over his black t-shirt. Benjie's heart was pounding faster than Neel's was. "You're okay," he assured him in a soothing tone. "You're safe."

Benjie's breathing came out in quick, rapid bursts.

"Deep breaths," Neel reminded him before demonstrating. With his hand still flat on Benjie's chest, Neel took in a long breath, held it for a moment, then slowly exhaled, his breath soaking into the back of Benjie's neck.

Following Neel's lead, Benjie inhaled with him, held it, then exhaled until, eventually, the shaking subsided. Teeth no longer clacking together, he let out a sigh of relief, yet to realize that he was now holding Neel's hand over his heart.

The entire house was silent aside from the tick-tocking of the clock in the hallway and the sound of their breathing as the night wore on. An hour after Benjie's fit, Neel wondered if he was asleep. He wouldn't let himself slumber yet, not while Benjie clutched his hand to his chest, letting Neel hold him.

Neel's breath gently swept across the back of Benjie's neck. Their fingers were enlaced at Benjie's chest, the length of his back resting against Neel, his backside pressed to Neel's groin.

He didn't want to pull away, too intoxicated by Benjie's scent, a culmination of shampoo and laundry detergent. Clean. A smell one could cuddle up to like a safety blanket. Fearing that he would soon be tumescent, Neel wriggled his hips back so their bodies were no longer pressed together. He kept that one arm around Benjie's slim frame, though, unwilling to let go just yet.

With such scarce sound to drown it out, Neel could hear saliva move around as Benjie folded in his bottom lip with his teeth, chewing.

He's awake, Neel thought.

Benjie's heart rate increased again beneath Neel's palm. He expected to be shrugged away, but instead, Benjie readjusted his body to melt deeper into Neel's embrace. He gave Neel's hand a squeeze, hesitantly guiding it into his shorts.

For the first time, Neel put his mouth onto Benjie, gently nibbling the side of his neck before kissing his smooth skin the way he wished he could kiss his lips.

Neel gave him what he wanted. When it was over, he lay back down next to his best friend, ready to nestle up to him again and fall asleep. Before he could, Benjie spoke.

He was curled up in the fetal position with his back to Neel, his voice curt and clear. "Neel?"

"Mmhm?" Neel responded, his smile spanning so wide it hurt his face. I love you, he thought.

Benjie swallowed at a lump in his throat. "If you tell anyone about what just happened, I'll fucking kill you."