Shades Of Blue

35. Honestly...

*WARNING FOR DRINKING AND DRUG USE*

Benjie

October

Age 20

The combination of pills and alcohol had the room spinning around him. A migraine had burrowed in behind his eyeballs, eating at him from the inside out. To battle the nausea and pain, Benjie closed his eyes and sunk into the couch, appearing to be asleep. It was weak to let Jake in, especially with Neel here. They didn't even know what was in the tablets, yet Jake and Benjie had popped them like candy. Neel sternly abstained while nursing a beer.

Even with his eyes shut, Benjie knew Neel was looking him over with disappointment. It was Benjie's ultimate fear, Neel's judgement. The person he loved and admired could now see how low he had sunk. Unable to cope with his depression and the fallout of their break, Benjie self-medicated. He had been doing so for months, even before he got on a plane and switched cities. Now, he was past the denial stage and knew with hopeless certainty that he was technically a drug addict. It was bad enough that Neel had to deal with Benjie's depression, he didn't need this burden as well.

A voice at the back of his mind was cackling, pointing, and laughing at Benjie's idiocy. Do you really think he doesn't already know?

Benjie had found work in a warehouse, burning through each cheque the day he received them. The guilt money was still paying his bills and there had been increasingly frequent withdrawals from the account in the form of cash. Anytime his mother would mention it, Benjie would pretend to have a nasty headache or difficulty remembering something and Mrs. Archer would tell him to take what he needed. It wasn't long before Jake noticed this trick worked every single time. Jake had also noticed Benjie's introverted nature and anxiety, seeing how difficult it was for Benjie to say the word "no."

"Did he pass out?" Jake laughed from Benjie's easy chair.

The pain behind Benjie's eyes had yet to subside, so they remained closed. Benjie didn't speak, silently wishing that Jake would leave.

He could hear Neel yawn before he said, "looks like it. He was drunk before you even got here, so..." A pause. "He's always drunk."

"Someone sounds bitter," Jake observed. "What do you care?"

Benjie could feel Neel beside him as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his thighs. He cleared his throat, moving the conversation along to more important matters. "Well, I know how much you like to indulge..."

"You're such a nerd," Jake laughed at the formal way Neel was addressing him. "Never change."

"Okay, no bullshit? I don't like you taking advantage of him," Neel told his former roommate. "I get that you gotta get by, but what you are doing to him is just cruel. I told you what happened. Fuck, he's like a toddler with a credit card. He's...he's fragile. And I know that makes him a target but you need to back the fuck off. Go leech off someone else."

Jake tsked with disappointment and replied with an air of sarcasm. "You think that little of me? I thought we were friends."

Silence fell over the room before Neel stated, "I know you."

Across the coffee table, Jake tittered, amused with Neel's serious tone. "Look, you can chill. Kid's not bad. I like him. His money's nice, but you're acting like I'm gonna rob the guy."

"I don't think you'll rob him," Neel replied.

Although this was his apartment, Benjie was starting to feel as though he was infringing on their privacy. Adjusting slowly, he opened his eyes only for pain to pour over his eyeballs, forcing him to close them again.

Neither of them noticed.

"Have you two hooked up?" Neel finally asked Jake outright.

Jake giggled then said, "no. I don't swing that way."

"First time for everything."

"Still no. Though...he's kinda...pretty?"

"Would you tell me if you had hooked up with him?" Neel questioned, now cautious.

Jake thought this over with care, and in Benjie's mind's eye, he could see that wide, slightly sinister grin Jake seemed to always wear on his face. With another chuckle, he said, "no. I wouldn't tell you."