Shades Of Blue

10. Spark

*WARNING FOR UNDERAGE SMOKING*

Neel

September

Age 16

All Neel could think about were those few minutes in the dark with him. He analyzed every moment and detail, desperately searching for what he had done wrong. Benjie had never spoken to him like that before, not once. He had meant it, his voice seeping with disgust as though he hadn't been the one to initiate it, like Neel had made him do it.

Since then, Benjie acted as though nothing had happened. They hadn't been inebriated in the slightest, yet he pretended the night was a blur when Neel tried to bring it up. It was infuriating. Neel wanted to hit Benjie for tricking him, humiliating him, and tainting that night. What could have been an exciting night of intimacy had been befouled into a swirl of confusion and shame. Neel felt robbed of that night and was growing to resent his friend for snatching it away. This thing with Benjie, it was just a stupid crush fueled by hormones set to point Neel at the closest person. His body didn't care who it was with, it just wanted to fuck someone.

After school, they traveled to the treehouse to hang out. It was a common practice since Benjie hated going home and Neel just wanted to be around Benjie. Neel smoked a cigarette by himself in his old, patched up beanbag chair, flipping through the pages of a graphic novel Benjie had insisted he read.

In the nook, under the skylight, Benjie was intensely focused as he drew in his sketchbook.

Neel's eyes flicked across the room, studying his friend's face. It was intense, as most of Benjie's facial expressions were, but it was also serene. Neel would always try to catch a glimpse of this serenity, which only presented itself when Benjie was drawing. It let him be alone in his own head, but also focused his thoughts so his own mind wouldn't tear him to pieces. The amount of hate Benjie carried for himself was immense and unearned. One would think he had committed a lifetime of unspeakable crimes while maintaining a conscience the entire time. It was a wonder he didn't collapse under that self-hatred. Neel was already researching suicide in hopes of finding some way of preventing the inevitable.

Benjie glanced up from his drawing and locked eyes with Neel, his intensity sharpening his gaze. "What?"

"Nothing. Sorry," Neel fumbled, aimlessly flipping through the graphic novel. "Just zoning out."

He smiled. It was a rare, mesmerizing smile that lit up his whole face. It was like seeing someone in a horrid, sickly state come alive again with good health all in one moment. And that's all it was, a moment, then the smile was gone.

It's not a crush, Neel thought. I love him. He took a drag from his cigarette then crushed it into the skull ashtray Benjie had given him for his sixteenth birthday. "I think I'm gonna sleep here tonight," Neel informed him. "One more time before it gets too cold."

"Okay," Benjie replied, indifferent to Neel's sleeping arrangements as he continued his drawing.

Neel bounced his knee as he stared at the boy he'd somehow fell for. "Are you gonna stay, too?"

Benjie didn't respond, acting as though he was suddenly so enthralled with drawing that he hadn't heard the question.

Chewing on the inside of his cheek in anticipation, Neel got up from the beanbag chair, crossed the treehouse with caution, and sat on the old futon mattress next to Benjie in the nook.

To make room, Benjie scooted to the side.

Neel placed his feet flat on the floor and hugged his knees. It was moot to ask, but he did anyways. "Can I see?"

Benjie slapped the sketchbook shut and held it close protectively. "No."

Neel shook his head. "You're never gonna let me see your work ever again 'cause I fucked up in the sixth grade? Seriously?"

"No," he claimed matter-of-factly. "It's private."

Neel nodded and sighed. "Fair enough." He let his left hand fall to hang idly between their legs. Feeling bold and sick of Benjie's act, Neel gently ran the back of his finger down Benjie's calf.

Immediately, he jolted his leg away, chuckling with anxiety. "What was that?"

"What was what?" Neel challenged, daring him to say the words. No more pretending.

Avoiding eye contact, Benjie opened his sketchbook and set his focus back on his work. "Never mind."

Neel could only stare, wordlessly begging him to speak.

Benjie could feel Neel's dark eyes on him. He closed the sketchbook again, set it to the side, and locked his gaze with Neel's. "You're not gonna let me draw in peace, are you?"

Neel flashed a shit-eating grin. "Probably not."

Benjie looked away and snapped at the elastic band around his wrist. It was a recent addition. It was something he constantly snapped at until the elastic wore down and broke, only to be replaced with a new one the next day. Neel didn't mind, preferring it to more extreme means of self-harm.

For what seemed like hours but was probably only a minute or two, the silence in the treehouse was suffocating. The only sound that broke through was Benjie snapping that elastic band against his skin. 

When he went to snap it again, he jumped as Neel placed his hand over it. Head low, Benjie watched Neel's hand as it tenderly grazed the soft skin of his inner forearm, sending goosebumps throughout his body. He tried to keep his breathing steady as Neel ran his fingers up the side of his arm. When he let Neel see his face, Benjie's frightened eyes rested on Neel's lips. Benjie looked as though he was ready to throw a fist, but he didn't stop Neel when he leaned over and gave him a quick kiss on the mouth.

When Neel pulled away, Benjie's face was stern. "Sorry," he said, all of his confidence drained. Bright blue eyes stared into him for a moment before Benjie grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him onto the mattress. Neel braced himself for a punch to the face when Benjie grabbed the nape of his neck and pressed their lips back together to let their ravenous tongues meet. Like he had often fantasized, Neel ran his fingers through Benjie's scruffy hair and gripped a handful of blonde locks. Benjie tasted sweet, like bubble gum and blue Gatorade. He smelled of a delicious mix of sweat, body spray, and pine trees.

Neel pulled him close, collapsing Benjie on top of him as his hands slipped up his t-shirt to touch the bare skin of his back and shoulders. It was as though Benjie's lips were laced with an opioid, his kiss so intoxicating that the room seemed to spin and fade away until all that existed was them.

Straddling Neel's thigh, Benjie took his mouth away from Neel's to kiss his neck.

Neel gently caressed Benjie's face and drew him back in. But, just as quickly as it had started, it ended. Benjie pulled away and lay on his back beside him, panting to catch his breath.