Shades Of Blue

17. Unite and Divide

Benjie

August

Age 17

The next morning, Neel sent Benjie a text that simply read 'fallen tree.' When they met in the woods, Benjie was unsure of what to say. The night before hung over them like heavy clouds, a constant reminder that something was definitely wrong in their friendship. Something had been eating away at Neel for years, growing his resentment toward Benjie without him being aware of it. What Neel didn't know was that it ate away at Benjie, too.

His focus set on the dirt, Benjie leaned against the old fallen tree, his hands fidgeting and snapping away at his elastic band bracelet.

"I don't remember a lot," Neel confessed about the night before. "I didn't mean what I said."

"I know," Benjie assured him. "No harm done." But all was not mended. "You were right, though."

"About?"

Benjie shook his head and glanced up through the forest canopy. "This isn't working. I don't think it ever worked."

Neel kicked at the dirt and scoffed quietly. "I knew you'd do this."

"Do what?"

"End it," he said, stuffing down his emotions so he wouldn't break down again. "You've wanted to for a while. I was just waiting for it."

Benjie rested his sad eyes on his best friend. He took a few steps toward him, stopping within Neel's personal bubble. Benjie could feel that bubble. It was as though it were made of pure bliss. "Do you wanna end it?"

Neel shrugged in defeat. "It doesn't matter."

Benjie chewed his bottom lip, working through the conflicting thoughts in his mind. "You want Moira."

That earned Benjie a shove from his best friend. "Don't tell me what I want."

Benjie shoved him back and soon, they were on the ground in a scuffle. They wrestled around in the dirt, dusting up their clothing on the ground. Neither were throwing punches, only striving for dominance until Neel pinned Benjie down and came out the victor. He sat on top of him, his forearm pinning Benjie's neck to the ground.

"Just end it. I know you want to," Neel challenged, demanding Benjie speak the words.

Breath heavy from the fight, Benjie glared up at Neel. "Don't tell me what I want," he spoke Neel's words back to him. Holding the back of Neel's neck, Benjie pulled Neel's mouth to his and kissed him. "You were right about the rules. They don't work."

September

Age 20

It was still relatively early when they decided to call it a night. They both feared they would get too drunk and embarrass themselves. Outside of the pub, the pair seemed to stand in limbo, unsure of what should come next.

Benjie's hands were stuffed into the pocket of his hoodie. Come home with me, he wanted to say. Move in. Never leave.

Neel's dark, wise eyes met Benjie's gaze and he chuckled nervously. "I guess I'll call you tomorrow."

"Um. Okay," Benjie replied. He wanted to say more, but the words refused to shape his tongue and come out. It wasn't what either of them wanted, but they parted ways. Neel walked back to his dorm while Benjie took a cab back to his empty loft. Perhaps he would adopt a cat. Then the place wouldn't feel so empty.