Shades Of Blue

41. Mistake

Neel

October

Age 20

Neel poked his head into any suite that had its door wide open. It had been a few hours since his tiff with Benjie and Neel hadn't found him yet. Searching the dormitory, a fear emerged that Benjie had left the building and wandered into the night to get hit by a car like a stray cat. Neel had lost count of how many times he called Benjie's phone just for the line to trill and go to voicemail. Neel wasn't even 21 yet and already, he felt like a nagging parent searching for his rebellious son.

On the fourth floor, Benjie lay unconscious in the hallway, his wig missing and the red plaid shirt damp with liquor on the left sleeve. Neel sighed and gave his ex's arm a shake. "Benj?"

Roused by the sound of a familiar voice, Benjie let Neel help him to his feet so they could stagger back to Neel's suite. "I'm sorry," he told Neel as he was guided to the bed.

"It's okay," Neel lied.

Sad, blue eyes stared at Neel drowsily. "You're awesome," he said as Neel searched a drawer for the sweatpants Benjie liked. "I wanna marry you."

Benjie had taught Neel that inebriated words didn't hold much weight. Although they could be true, those feelings were often fleeting. "Sure, you do," he mumbled as he pulled the pants out of the drawer.

Hoping to be helpful, Benjie unzipped his pants and tried to stand to remove them. Balance lacking, he leaned too far one way and tipped, stumbling to the floor. It must have been comfortable down there because Benjie shut his eyes and let out a relaxed sigh.

"Get up," Neel groaned as he tossed the sweatpants onto the bed. Irritated, he wondered, "why'd you stand up?"

Benjie napped on his back, his head lolling to the floor. 

Nudging his side with his foot, Neel urged again, "get up!"

Nothing.

With resentment Neel hadn't been fully aware of, he kicked Benjie in the side without restraint. "Wake up! I didn't wait two years to babysit a drunk!"

Benjie only winced against the pain and turned away.

"Fine," Neel conceded, his patience drained. "Sleep on the floor. I don't give a shit." After snorting the last bumps and numbing his gums with the dredges of the goodie bag, Neel grabbed his cigarettes and headed outside. He had to get away before he kicked Benjie's unconscious body again.

It was outside, with a cigarette in his hand that he ran into Nurse Marnie for the second time that night.

Over an hour later, Neel glared at himself in the mirror with disgust. Shakily, he undressed and got into the shower to wash away his shame and any scent of her. Although he had used a condom with Marnie, Neel had never felt so filthy. He tried to tell himself not to feel guilty, he was technically single. Yet Neel knew Benjie would never take him back now. More worrisome still was that Neel wasn't sure he wanted Benjie back anymore. Love isn't something one can force. Was that what Neel had been doing, forcing something that couldn't work anymore? Searching for a flame that was long extinguished? They had been young, stupid, confused. Maybe they had never been in love at all. Neel had been wearing that wristwatch for years, cherishing it like it was an engagement ring. Benjie never wore the silver ring anymore; Neel hadn't seen it in years. Maybe he lost it or forgot it, or maybe he took it off one day and never put it back on. When Neel really thought about it, it was humiliating that he had worn that watch for so long when the person who gave it to him didn't care what he did. Benjie hadn't cared about anything for a long time, maybe he was stuck like that. Neel never wanted to even think it before, but maybe Benjie really was broken, beyond repair or Neel's help.

When he got out of the shower, he wrapped a towel around his waist and headed to the bedroom. Benjie had moved in Neel's absence, undressing to his boxers, and crawling into Neel's narrow bed. The muscles in Neel's chest tightened at the sight of him, reminded that no matter what he tried to tell himself, he had loved Benjie since they were kids, not as a brother, but as a partner, a best friend, a soulmate. These months had been a setback, but things would get better if Neel tried hard enough, loved Benjie enough, and stopped being so selfish and bitter.

Once Neel had changed into a pair of clean boxers, he sat beside Benjie at the edge of the mattress, his feet planted on the floor. He glanced over his shoulder, noting how fast Benjie's hair seemed to be growing. Benjie was probably pleased. Soon, he would be able to hide behind the curtain of his sandy hair like he used to.

As Neel pivoted his body to turn to Benjie, a spot on the pillow next to the back of his neck caught the moonlight and Neel's eye. Leaning in closer, it was clear that it wasn't a spot, but a silver ring on a thin, silver chain that made a necklace. Had he been wearing it all along? Hiding it beneath his collar the entire time he'd been here? Of course, he had. Benjie had always been the loyal one. Neel turned away to sit at the edge of the bed once more, burying his face in his hands.