Shades Of Blue

32. Break

*WARNING FOR MENTION OF SUICIDE, SEX, VIOLENCE AND ABUSE IN GENERAL*

Benjie

August

Age 17

As he left Ellie, Benjie looked back over his shoulder to find Neel and Moira headed for the cooler. Before he turned away, Neel noticed him.

"Hey!" Neel called after him, ditching his girlfriend as quickly as he could.

Too weak to leave him behind, Benjie sat by the fire on a free log to wait.

"Where the hell have you been? I was looking everywhere for you."

Benjie stared into the fire, wishing he had stayed home.

"Having fun yet?" he wondered, smile wide.

"Tons."

Neel put his arm around Benjie's shoulders and spoke into his ear. "You look sexy as hell tonight."

Benjie smirked. The attention, though delayed, was very welcome.

It looked to everyone else like Neel was whispering into Benjie's ear, but he was really kissing his neck right there in the open.

Benjie swallowed at the lump in his throat, trying to come off lighthearted. "Cut it out. People can see us."

"So?" Neel wondered. "We have nothing to be ashamed of."

"Your girlfriend might not agree."

"So?"

Benjie furrowed his brow and understated the obvious. "She might be a bit upset."

"Maybe," Neel conceded. "But she's gonna find out one way or another."

Benjie gave Neel's knee a quick squeeze before snatching his hand back to himself. "Not like this. Not in front of everyone."

Neel still held Benjie with one arm. "Okay. Then let's go somewhere private."

"Your place?"

He scoffed. "I'm not leaving yet. Let's just go in the woods, fool around in nature like that one time in the middle of the day-"

"You said if I wanted to leave, we would leave," Benjie reminded him. "Time to leave. You're already hammered."

Removing his arm from around Benjie, Neel let out a groan. "I'm still having fun."

"Then stay. I'll call you tomorrow."

"I wanna be with you, though," Neel admitted. He took Benjie's hand and put it to his swollen groin. "See what you do to me?" he asked in desperation, then whispered to him the things he wanted to do.

"Stop," Benjie insisted in a whisper, pulling his hand out of Neel's grasp. "You're drunk off your ass right now and people can see us."

Neel's expression turned sour. "I knew you'd do this again. Why are you so ashamed--?"

"I'm not!"

"You're such a pussy."

Benjie shoved Neel to tilt away. "I don't wanna fuck you in public, that makes me a pussy?"

Neel stood up. "I don't need this. I've already done enough hiding. It isn't hot anymore, it's insulting. And honestly, it's getting boring, too."

Unsure how to digest what Neel had just said to him, he asked, "where are you going?"

Neel chugged back his beer and placed the empty can next to Benjie on the log. "To get another drink," he said with scorn. "You should go."

"But-"

"You're being a drag, Powder. Go home."

Watching him walk away, Benjie finished his own beverage and tossed his and Neel's empty cans into a nearby trashcan. He headed back the way he came, taking his time as he trudged through the woods via the fallen tree and the treehouse.

At first, what Benjie could hear was unclear. It could have been a raccoon or some other woodland critter. Then he heard their grunting soon followed by her uninhibited moans. 

They must have taken a shortcut while he had lagged behind. Although he knew better, Benjie silently followed the sounds until he caught sight of them and he could feel his heart shatter in his chest like glass. Neel's jeans were pulled down around his ankles as he pounded himself into Moira against a thick tree.

"I love you," Moira cooed, her legs wrapped around Neel's waist.

Benjie forced himself to turn away, running home as fast as he could. His heart was broken, his mind a mess.

When he got home, he slammed the front door shut and ignored his father's shouting as he ran to his bedroom.

"Don't slam the door!" Mr. Archer shouted.

Benjie slammed his own door shut and paced the room as he began to quietly sob. This was some horrible curse, to be in love with Neel. They would never really be together. They would never be normal with one another. Neel would never love him, only play pretend to add to his sexual gratification.

A chime sounded from his phone with a new text message from Ellie and he whipped it across the room to crash onto his desk. Tears streamed from his eyes as he pulled at his hair. He wanted the pain to stop, the weight in his chest now heavier than ever. Crumbling to the floor, Benjie buried his face in his hands as he wept. He had only seen them for a few seconds, but those seconds burned themselves into his memory. Over and over, Benjie could see them making love up against that tree. He could see Moira holding onto him, vulnerable and trusting. He could hear Neel grunting in pleasure and he could hear what Moira had said to him. Benjie wondered if she loved Neel as much as he did.

Dark thoughts flooded his mind, thoughts he couldn't shake that had taken up permanent residence in his psyche some time ago. Jump in front of a train. Take a bunch of pills. Slit your wrists. Just die. These thoughts weren't new, but they had never been so intense as they were now. Years ago, that hopelessness had nested in his chest, creating the boulder that only grew heavier with age. Benjie understood heartache. His chest ached all the time from that weight. The pain would get so severe that Benjie had to believe one could die from a broken heart. It was a slow process, killing you over decades and draining you of your soul until you are cold and bitter. Suicide was much quicker and less painful.

The bedroom door creaked open and Mr. Archer stepped inside. "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you making all that noise?"

Benjie frantically wiped away his tears, but they just kept flowing. "Sorry. I didn't mean to."

Mr. Archer stared at his son and let out an annoyed groan. "Are you kidding me, ya fuckin' pansy? You're crying again?"

Benjie got to his feet, still wiping at his eyes. "It's allergies."

"Bullshit," Mr. Archer said. "You're cryin' like a fuckin' baby." He gave his son a push. " I didn't know I had two daughters."

Benjie waited to be further berated, his pain turning to fury. "I get it. I'm a pussy. Point taken."

Mr. Archer backhanded the side of his face. "Who the hell do you think you're talking to?"

His skin stinging, he was unable to restrain the storm inside of him. He sneered, "a pathetic drunk. That's who I'm talking to."

The last thing Benjie saw before he lost consciousness was his father's fist speeding toward his face.