Shades Of Blue

50. Forfeiture

*WARNING FOR SMOKING*

Neel

December

Age 20

 
While most of his floor celebrated Friday night, Neel lay alone in his small, uncomfortable bed. In his hands was 'Good Omens' by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, a book Neel had indefinitely borrowed from Benjie before he had removed himself from Neel's life.

He didn't understand why Benjie abandoned him, but he had some inklings. Missing him desperately, Neel was unable to be enraged by his actions. Had he not acted fast enough? Was he, himself not enough? The longer Benjie wouldn't talk to him, the more questions flooded his mind. How was it that their bond had withered, yet Neel still loved Benjie so damn much? It wasn't fair.

Since Benjie's departure, Neel funneled all his energy into school. If he had free time, he would read a book. Socializing wasn't a priority anymore, neither was sex. At this point, Neel just wanted to graduate and move on.

He folded the corner of the page he was on and tossed the book to the edge of his mattress. A frustrated sigh escaped from his lips as he listened to the voices and the laughter emanating from the hallways. He loathed their joy. 

Getting up, he grabbed a lighter and a pack of cigarettes, left his suite, and shoved his way through the partygoers. He had to take the stairs to avoid Jake, who he spotted making out with a girl Neel had class with.

It was best to go unnoticed. Jake had swooped in and taken away Neel's soulmate only to pump him full of drugs and cheat in Benjie's absence. Neel couldn't be responsible for his actions if they were to speak again.

Neel made his way down to the ground floor and through the exit that led out to a garden with no flowers and half-dead topiaries.

Like an apparition, there Benjie stood, smoking a cigarette and staring at the exit as though he knew Neel would walk through it. His hair was shorter and neater. It didn't suit him. Benjie was meant to be ruggedly beautiful, not boyishly nonthreatening.

There was a smile in his eyes as a greeting before he put the cigarette to his lips. Was it even possible that he was thinner than ever? Almost skeletal. The hollows of his cheeks and eyes were even more terrifying than what Neel had imagined. Was he eating anymore, or just doing cocaine?

"Hey," Neel managed to say, fighting his entire body not to embrace Benjie. It wasn't his place to do that. He took a few steps toward him to stand by the parapet overlooking the snowed over garden. "How are you?"

Benjie shrugged as a response. "You?"

Neel shrugged as well. "Been better, that's for sure."

Exhaling a cloud of smoke, Benjie nervously glanced over at the exit door.

It hit Neel like a smack in the face that this meeting was purely luck. There was a chance they would never meet like this again. "I miss you."

This information didn't shock Benjie. He stared down at his feet. "I miss you, too, man."

Neel felt as though his face was drooping with misery.  It's so difficult to ask for what you need, especially from another man. It didn't matter that they had been in love and had pined for one another. Benjie was still just another man with his own life and his own problems. Who was Neel to ask anything of him? "Can we talk later? In person?"

Benjie's gaze flashed to the door again as he hesitantly flattened the snow around their feet. "I dunno."

Neel nodded his head, his heart tearing apart inside of his chest.

"It's not that I don't want to," Benjie confessed in a meek tone. "It'll just make things difficult with..."

"I get it," Neel stated. He did, but he didn't accept it. He took in a deep breath and fearfully wondered, "do you love him?"

"...No."

Some relief. "Are you happy with him?"

Benjie's eyes retreated to his shoes as he wet his lips, dawning a horribly phony smile. "I – I dunno," he stammered. "Maybe?"

Neel couldn't help but chuckle. "Are you asking me?"

The phony smile turned genuine for a moment. "I dunno." He shook his head until the smile went away and the moment passed, then kept shaking his head. His breath seemed shaky, his hand that held the cigarette quivering. "I think I fucked up."

"What do you mean?" Neel wondered, focused on Benjie's trembling hand. "Are you getting those fits again?"

With a frustrated groan, Benjie tossed his cigarette, checking the exit once more. "I just..." he trailed off, rubbing his forehead with stress and changing the trajectory of his thoughts. "I shouldn't have been such a dick, you know?"

Something was wrong. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Benjie said too quickly before motioning to the door he had been eyeing for the entire conversation. "I should probably go. Jake's kinda...he likes to know where I am."

Neel knitted his eyebrows in concern. "You're sure you're okay?"

"Yep," he said as he walked to the door.

Taking this last moment with Benjie, Neel said, "call me if you need anything? I'm still here, you know?"

Swallowing a lump in his throat, Benjie nodded his head and let himself back into the residence building.