Shades Of Blue

34. Third Wheel

*WARNING FOR DRUG USE*

Neel

October

Age 20

Neel loved the loft. He wished he could live there, sleep there each night next to Benjie tucked up in the nook above the kitchen. He loved the balcony off of the living area, rounded with a decorative iron railing. They spent a lot of time out there, smoking cigarettes and talking about everything and nothing at all. There seemed to be a glimmer of hope that they could be normal around one another again. With every misstep, Neel was trying to be better.

It wasn't fair to Benjie that Neel had fermented and soured in his long absence. There had to be a way for Neel to be better than that, to be the man Benjie needed him to be and jettison the resentment that had quietly built for two years, a resentment that had been hiding, waiting to knock Neel off-kilter the moment he saw Benjie's beautiful smile again. It was as though confirmation of Benjie's safety had given Neel permission feel angry.

Yes, Neel was trying to be better, yet this anger and resentment was stunting his efforts. Benjie's proverbial walls were still up, and Neel was unsure if either of them trusted the other at all anymore.

It was nearing 9 p.m. when they lounged on Benjie's couch in the loft. Neel sat upright with Benjie's head resting in his lap as he lay down next to him. He brushed the growing blonde mop on Benjie's head with his fingers, wondering if Jake loved this hair as much as he did. Had he been in this loft? Had he been here more than Neel had?

Benjie was having another down day, days when he could barely get out of bed due to his depression. Neel tried to tell him it was the drugs that were making it worse, but he wouldn't listen. Since meeting Jake, Benjie was constantly on something or he was drunk. He would disappear sometimes, unreachable for days as he traipsed around the city with Jake.

Why was he still depressed anyways? Nothing was really that wrong in his life. Being mopey only made things worse. Why couldn't he and Neel just be happy together like they had always planned? It was supposed to be easier now. It was supposed to be just the two of them.

Benjie sat up at the sound of a knock at the front door. "You order food or something?" he asked Neel, who shook his head in response. Rolling off of the couch, Benjie got up and answered the door.

"You gonna let me in?" Jake wondered when Benjie only stared at him.

"It's not really a good time," Benjie's tone was passive, like he was asking Jake a question.

"C'mon," Neel could hear Jake whisper to Benjie.

"I get it, I'm just kind of busy," Benjie whispered back, motioning to Neel.

Jake stuck his head into the loft to see for himself. "He won't care."

Benjie chewed his lip hesitantly. "Did you already call?"

"Not yet," Jake sighed. "I'm short 'till next week."

Benjie seemed unsure.

"Since when do you turn this kinda thing down? Neel's not gonna give a shit. He should take some, it'll relax the grumpy fucker," Jake urged.

"Some what?" Neel asked only to be ignored.

Jake pushed his way into the apartment, inviting himself to join them for the evening. A half an hour later, he was divvying up the pills he bought with Benjie's guilt money.

"Molly?" Neel wondered with unease. No wonder Benjie's mood was growing so manic. MDMA would only aggravate his depression and anxiety. It could make anyone depressed if they used it enough, throwing their brain chemistry out of whack. Neel knew this drug well, having to force himself to quit the year before. Jake knew this.

"Sort of," Jake replied. "It has some of this shit mixed with a couple other things."

Neel waited for him to continue. "Like what?"

"I dunno," Jake chuckled. "It's not like they gave me a recipe."

Benjie popped one of the tablets and crossed his arms over his chest, indifferent to the chemicals he was putting into his body.

If this was what Jake and Benjie had been doing in Neel's absence, then what had that led to? It was a drug one would take for partying and fucking. Benjie hated partying.