Shades Of Blue

11. Smoke

*WARNING FOR UNDERAGE SMOKING*

Neel

September

Age 16

I'm so in love with you, Neel thought. He wanted to pull his best friend back into his embrace, to let their tongues wrestle as they stuffed their hands into one another's pants. Benjie's tongue had felt so warm and chubby. He wondered what that chubby tongue would feel like on his chest, his stomach, everywhere.

Trying to bury the hint of a giddy smile, Benjie chortled and snapped at his elastic band. Neel reached out to caress Benjie's cheek but Benjie caught his hand and pushed it back over to Neel's side of the mattress. "We probably shouldn't do that again," he chuckled to add levity.

"Why not? You didn't like it?"

"Doesn't matter if I liked it," Benjie told him, now unable to meet his gaze. "This whole experimental thing we have going on, it needs boundaries, doesn't it?"

Neel's heart sank. Experimental. He had dreaded hearing that word. I love you, he thought, and you're experimenting. "Okay. So, what are the boundaries?" he asked, his tone carrying barbs.

"I dunno. I just thought of it," Benjie shrugged. "Kissing's kind of intimate, you know? It might confuse things."

Neel shook his head, hurt turning to rage. "You don't think things have been confused already?"

"You're right. We shouldn't make it worse."

"Worse," Neel parroted, the word rancid in his mouth.

Benjie rolled his eyes. "C'mon, man. This whole thing...it's not..." Struggling to find the words, he trailed off, snapping again at the elastic band around his wrist. "I can't."

Neel stared down at his feet, hoping to hide any tears that might make their way out as Benjie casually broke his heart.

"I'm not like you," he stated in a delicate tone. "I like girls."

"What does that mean, you're not like me?" Neel demanded. "You're the one that put my hand..." he trailed off. "I like girls, too."

"It's okay if you don't."

Infuriated, Neel stood up and whirled around on Benjie, overwhelmed  by a mix of disgust and humiliation. "Fuck you."

"I didn't mean-"

"I don't give a shit," Neel told him as he opened the hatch. He flipped his best friend the finger before descending the ladder. On the ground, Neel ground his teeth in rage, setting off to the fallen tree to smoke another cigarette.

You're not like me, Benjie? You wish you were like me, you mopey prick. You're the one who's still a virgin. Girls love me. You've had what? One girlfriend I had to talk into not dumping you at least twice? Fuck you, Benjie. I fucking hate you, he thought all at once, kicking at the fallen tree before he reached into the pocket of his jeans for his smokes. Even when he was swimming in his anger for him, he wondered why Benjie couldn't just love him back. He lit a cigarette and stared up through the shedding forest canopy, swallowing back a heartache that felt too intense for any teenager to handle.

Footsteps crumpled and crunched dried leaves in the brush, announcing Benjie's arrival before he was visible under the setting sunlight. Pensively, he joined Neel at the tree, taking the cigarette when it was passed to him. For several minutes, they listened to the bugs and wildlife that surrounded them and shared the cigarette, taking a drag to pass it back and forth.

Out of the silence, Benjie's voice broke through like a fine blade. "What we've done. It's wrong, isn't it?"

Neel shook his head, shocked to hear his dearest friend speak like this. Where would he get such an idea? "No. We haven't done anything wrong. Why would you think that?"

"How can you be sure?"

Neel took a long drag from the cigarette, ashing it onto the stump where he could monitor it for rogue embers. "Have we hurt anyone?"

"No."

"Have we stolen from anyone? Excluding booze and cigs."

"No."

"Then what have we done wrong?" Neel questioned pointedly. He passed him the cigarette and kicked at the dirt. Why did this feel like a breakup? This friendship was too important for Neel to nurse a broken heart. He loved Benjie too much to lose him. "If you wanna stop, we'll stop. It's not a big deal," he assured his friend.

Benjie shrugged; his eyes glued to his shoelaces as he took a short drag from the cigarette.

Impatient with the silence, Neel posed the question, "do you want to stop?"

Another shrug as he took a few steps away from the tree, his back facing Neel. He spoke quietly, "just remember boundaries..."