Shades Of Blue

47. Plans for the Future

Benjie

May

Age 18

For Benjie, the best part of spring was always the cool breeze. It would flow through the lakeside streets, picking up the various scents from the bakeries and blooming flowers and carrying them around the town. He had to wonder what spring would be like in Vancouver. He imagined snow-capped mountains on the horizon while he surfed off the coast. Neel would meet him at the beach after class before they would go to dinner in chalet up the mountain. They would be happy, no matter the season.

He sat outside of a cafe at a round, iron table. He liked the tables here, how the iron twisted into intricate designs to form their surfaces. It was a touch of art in a busy, pavemented world.

Across from him sat his mother, drinking the coffee she had spiked with her mystery liquid from her flask.

They had been coming to this same café annually for nearly three years. It was an occasion to check in, to lie to one another and claim that they were fine. 

"So," Mrs. Archer said with a sigh. "Graduation's coming up pretty fast. What's the plan for next year?"

"Um," he said, searching for precisely the right words.

"You're not going to school, you've never had a job," she pointed out. "Do you have any plans at all?"

"Yes, actually," Benjie said before he cleared his throat. "That's kind of why I wanted to talk to you. Um, I think getting all set up next year might be a bit easier if you could maybe give me a loan? I'll pay it back; I just need more than I have right now, and I don't think I'm gonna be able to save enough before September..."

She held palm up for silence. "What do you need the money for?"

Absentmindedly, Benjie chewed his already stubby nails. "I'm moving. To Vancouver."

His mother chortled with disbelief and raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "Alright. What's in Vancouver?"

He shrugged to come off nonchalant. Though he tried, Benjie knew he wasn't a good liar. Not like Neel. "Just seems like a good place to start fresh."

"Depends where you go," she pointed out with a sneer. "I dunno, hon. I don't think it's a good idea."

Benjie nodded his head in understanding, disappointed. "Fair enough. I'll just have to make it work without a loan."

Mrs. Archer groaned peevishly. "I want you to think, Ben. Will you, realistically, flourish by yourself in a big city across the country? You've never even visited this place," she laughed as she spoke. "You hate people. You're not good with people. Why on Earth would you want to move somewhere so crowded? And who the hell do you think you're fooling? You'll never be able to pay back a loan, Ben, because you'll never be able to leave your apartment to get a goddamn job."

Benjie sucked his teeth, defensive.

She placed her hand on top of her son's. Her hand looked so old, too lean and bony. Benjie could remember her hands when he was small, how large and comforting they had been. Until now, he hadn't realized the last time his mother offered him something as simple as her hand or a pat on the back was when he was still a kid. Only two people ever touched him now. One always drew blood, while the other dressed Benjie's wounds.

"You have to recognize your limitations and be realistic. You're...you're different, honey, and sensitive. I'm not wasting money on a fresh start we both know you're not capable of pulling off. It isn't practical. You're not gonna be able to handle the stress with your issues, not by yourself," she went on.

"I won't be alone. I already have a roommate lined up."

"You're not moving in with some stranger. They could be crazy or addicted to drugs," his mother warned, taking a sip of the coffee she had spiked.

Ignoring this, he paused to work up some courage. He needed to get it all out before he lost her attention. "And, um, I'm moving out sooner than September."

"No, you are not," she protested.

"I'm only gonna be one street over for the summer," he assured her, trying to give her some peace of mind. "But Vancouver's the long-term plan."

She narrowed her eyes at him, confused.

"I think it would be best if I moved out sooner rather than later," Benjie sighed, motioning to his battered face.

Mrs. Archer took another sip of her drink, her gaze averted from any proof of the beating her husband had given their son. Lost in thought, she was quiet for a while. "Are you moving in with that girlfriend of yours? Are her parents okay with that?"

Staring down at his hands, Benjie admitted, "I don't actually have a 'girlfriend,' I just said that so you guys wouldn't know I was sleeping at Neel's so much."

"W-Why would you do that?" his mother stuttered. "Honey, you never need to lie to me. And you don't have to hide at your friend's house," she giggled as though Benjie's situation was adorable. "If you're that afraid of your dad, then we'll rent you an apartment close by. You won't have to room with anyone or impose on the Jones'." She assessed him with scrutiny. "They must have you sleeping on the couch over there. Such a tiny place."

"Don't be a snob," Benjie grumbled.

"I'm not being a snob, just being honest."

"I don't sleep on the couch," Benjie declared, sick of the charade and ready to voice his truth. "I sleep in a bed every night I'm there. And I don't go there because I'm afraid, mom. I go because that's where my boyfriend lives." After the words made it past his lips and came into existence outside of himself, that ever-present weight in his chest finally, even if only a minuscule amount, got lighter.

Mrs. Archer raised an over-plucked eyebrow. Either she didn't understand or she didn't want to. Doing everything in her power, she would not look at Benjie.

"Do you understand what I'm telling you?" Benjie asked point blank. "You seemed so concerned about who I was gonna be living with. I thought you'd wanna know."

"I don't need to know those things," she said coldly. "It's a phase. You shouldn't go around telling people about it. You'll regret it later."

"It isn't a phase," Benjie argued. "We love each other."

His mother let out a wry laugh. "You two are babies. You have no idea what love is."

Benjie's sad eyes glared a hole through his mother. "And you do? At least I know Neel won't beat me."

Mrs. Archer slapped him across the face like it was a reflex. She gathered her purse with her flask inside and stood up to leave. She leaned in close to whisper to Benjie. "You do not tell your father about this little phase of yours. Understand? It'll kill him." She hesitated, her face softening. "You know I love you no matter what, but you might be onto something. The sooner you move out, the better."