If You Only Knew

Chapter 4

I stand frozen in place, my heart hammering in my chest, my breath shallow and uneven. The weight of the moment presses down on me, and I can't seem to find my voice. I want to say something, anything, to explain this mess of emotions inside me, but all I can manage is a shaky whisper.

"What are you doing here, Lou?"

The words slip out before I can stop them, trembling with more than just the physical cold. My voice cracks under the weight of everything unsaid between us. I want him to leave, to give me space to breathe, but I also want him to stay, to hold me until everything makes sense again. I don't know what I want, and I hate how raw it makes me feel.

Louis shifts his weight, his eyes dropping to the ground, a silent vulnerability I haven't seen before washing over him. He runs a hand through his rain-soaked hair, the gesture almost absentminded, but it sends a wave of longing through me. When he looks up, his eyes are searching mine, looking for the answers I'm too scared to give.

"I... I'm sorry, Haz," he says quietly, his voice soft and full of confusion. "I don't know what's going on with you, but I hate seeing you like this. I don't want to leave things like this between us."

I want to say something, but the words catch in my throat, lodged there by the flood of emotions that threaten to swallow me whole. The sincerity in his voice is like a slap to the face, and suddenly, everything I've been holding in crashes down on me like a tidal wave.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I even want to.

"Lou!" I cry, my voice breaking. Without thinking, I throw myself at him, pulling him into a tight hug, pressing my face into his shoulder as if I can hide from everything that's tearing me apart. "I am so sorry, I was being stupid, please don't be mad at me!"

I can feel Louis' arms wrap around me, pulling me closer, and for a moment, I feel safe, like maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay again. "Oh sweet Hazza," he murmurs into my hair, his voice warm and soothing. "I'm not mad. I'm just confused, love. Why are you upset with me?"

I pull back slightly, wiping my eyes and trying to steady my breath. "Um... do you want to come in and talk?" I ask, my voice still shaky.

"Sure," he responds quietly, and I step aside to let him into the house.

We make our way upstairs, the silence between us heavy with everything we've yet to say. When we reach my room, I sit on the far end of the bed, my knees pulled up to my chest, my arms wrapped tightly around them as if they're the only thing keeping me grounded. Louis sits at the edge of the bed, facing me, but neither of us really looking at the other.

The weight of the conversation hangs in the air, but neither of us knows where to begin.

"So, um... I'm sorry, Lou. I really am. It's stupid," I start, my voice trembling as I try to get the words out. "I just felt like I was losing you to Eleanor. You skipped lunch with me to be with her, and then you cancelled our 12-year tradition of Friday night sleepovers for her. I get it, Lou. I really do. You have a girlfriend now, and I'm supposed to be happy for you. I just... I just wish it didn't feel like you were leaving me behind in the process."

My gaze falls to my fingers, picking at the fabric of my jeans, unable to meet his eyes. The pain in my chest feels like it's choking me, and I can't seem to find the right way to express it.

Louis is quiet for a long time. When he speaks, his voice is calm, but I can hear the weight of his own pain in it. "Haz, I didn't mean to make you feel like I was forgetting about you. I care about you so much. You're my best friend, Harry. We've been through everything together. You know that. But El... she's not just a girlfriend. She's someone I can really see myself with. I want to give this a real shot, Haz, and I'm sorry if that hurts you. But it might not be the only Friday night I choose to spend with her."