Finally

Part 31: When I Wake

This world is full of great sadness and pain.

The sorrow flows as rivers do.

Cascading and dividing into two halves.

In your heart, you decide if you will remain on the side that feels the horrible pull of pain.

Or if you will ford the river and meet the lands of happiness and joy.

I was met with these two halves today and swore I chose the tougher.

Living in this world is painful.

Living with love in your heart is both a blessing and a curse.

Yet the beautiful, blissful, bellowing of joyous Heavens are just as painful.

To have perfection.

To have all the peace one could wish for.

To feel no pain or regret.

To never experience the need of a challenge or the debate of right and wrong.

That too was a world of beautiful pain and sorrow.

One I simply could not choose, despite the strong want to reach out and take Mohammed's hand and walk off into the blissful sun.

I couldn't do it.

No matter how many times I've dreamt of doing so before.

The angelic silence was heavy.

Not as light as one would think.

The beauty of it all was more dull than remarkable- for the mere reason that there is no indifference, no misfitted perceptions, no inadequacy, and no ties to a stronger brick weighing you down.

Heaven sounds wonderful.

Looks wonderful.

And if given the choice, many would probably go.

To have the easy after life.

Either I am stubborn or simply a fool because I abstained from it.

The thought of never knowing my baby, or never holding Luna and Max again—sealed my fate.

And while I lingered on the desolate astral plane- I realized that pain, suffering, and sorrow comes in many forms.

Heaven is a construct of your perfect world.

Well my perfect world is in the place where my family is.

Where the love of my life lays his head.

And where our children grow and learn and play.

The reality of Heaven- where perfection is the habitat- is no real Heaven. Though I wished to be with Mo- I couldn't bare not being with Max. I couldn't bare to watch him day in and day out being miserable and knowing my presence would only make it worse if I were to haunt him.

In that sense, I would only be imprisoned.

I would only ever long for life and never end up back where I wanted to be.

Forced to wait for my loves to come to me after long lives.

It would be cruel torture.

So I stayed.

Finally making the decision to be-instead of not.

***