Finally

Part 33: Ever Changing Hue

Rocky cliffs.

Dark abyss.

Silent wind.

Cold unfeeling light from above.

That's all I feel at the moment.

That's all that I feel.

Sure, Max explained and apologized for himself.

He made himself clearer than before.

But that still doesn't quell the feeling I'm having. The wretched ruined feeling that I can't do this. I can't be a mum. I can't be a girlfriend. I can't be a doctor.

I can't be.

Simply.

I can't.

All these things, are all I've ever wanted to be. All these things seemed so easy. Even when they were out of reach.

Now I literally have everything I ever sought to dream of.

And yet...

And yet I despise each and every one.

***

I stayed in the hospital for a good two weeks.

Reynolds was certain I needed to be kept a good watch of- both for a rejected heart, infection, and for the sake of the baby.

The baby.

I've yet to name him.

I know how horrible that makes me.

I know how horrible I am for avoiding him as much as humanly possible.

But if one could feel what I do when I think of being a Mum or touching him: one might understand the deep piercing pain I have been feeling every second of every day.

It's not fair.

It's not.

I've only ever longed for him and now I can't stand the sight or thought of him.

I literally am in pain.

And then I realize how horrid that makes me and my sadness and anger grow even sharper and consume even more of me.

No mother should be like this.

What a cruel joke.

"Hey, got your discharge papers- Woman!" Adrian.

He's been helpful...ish.

His girlfriend- I suppose they are back to dating- is more helpful than him.

Emily has really allowed me to open up about this dark web of feelings I have.

She understands. She's been there.

Maybe not as drastic as me- but she knows that there are feelings of disconnect and detachment between a newborn and a mother.

"I'm going home?" No. It's too soon for that.

Too soon to be left alone to tend to my son.

"Sure are. Which- with these papers of freedom- come the papers of titles and lands, M'lady." He acts like a noble knight and does some odd salute from his chest to his forehead. "In the name of Shai-Hulud."

"What are you blathering on about?" Emily asks as she enters with Levi and a small smile crosses her face as she stops beside him.

"Little Mama- I am trying to discharge the Woman."

"Lose the tone or you'll lose something else." She playfully snarls at him and he swallows slightly hard.

"The hospital, as I'm sure you're aware- Sharpe- requires the birth certificate to be filled out properly."