Memories

CHAPTER : NINETEEN

Eleanor

Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses na akong bumubuntong hininga at nakatingin lang sa kawalan. I lost count how many times is it.

After the incident a while ago, my mind just went black after she said those sentence. Mixed emotions eat up my whole system and I was speechless. I didn't know what to do or act most specially I am avoiding her and now she said those words with a authority like she can ruled my parents like that.

One sentence yet she made my parents scared of her, they left after a several minutes of having a staring contest with her and they are the one who avoided gazes and leave.

Therefore my chest became light as I burst out everything to them that I've been keeping in my whole life. I still remembered how Mom became vulnerable too when she saw how miserable I am. I know how much she wants to hug and comfort but I pushed her away like I always used to do.

Pushed them like they are not my parents.

Kapag naisipan naman nilang humingi ng tawad at ipaliwanag ang lahat then I am ready to forgive them. Hinihintay ko lang naman sila ang unang magsabi sakin ng lahat dahil tao lang din naman akong handang magpatawad but forgetting everything they caused me pain and trauma is not easy to forget at all.

Why I am even here? Do I deserve to be here? Should I be born?

What all I need is their love and attention but why does that also need in return?

Tinaas ko ang paa ko at nilagay ang mukha sa dalawang tuhod dahil nandiyan na naman ang mga luhang nagbabantang kumawala sakin.

I feel pity for myself. I should be the one who pity myself and not them.

Pakiramdam ko ako nalang ang mag isa. Oo nga nandiyan sila Sierra pero alam kong may kaniya kaniya rin silang buhay at hindi sa lahat ng oras nandiyan sila para sa akin.

May isa akong hindi nasasabi sa kanila dahil ayaw kong makagawa ng gulo. Maayos na sa akin ang gulo sa pagitan ng mga magulang ko, ayaw ko nang idagdag pa sila sa gulo ko.

When I was in spain there is a group of boys trying to force me to come with them in return of money because I was a waitress in one of the bar there.

And when they were about to succeed in taking me with them, there's a man who saved me to those boys and beaten them to death not until a police came and interrogated us.

The man just disappeared like a thin air after the interrogation. I never saw atleast a glimpse of him. Siya lang ung lalaking hindi ko sinama sa mga lason na lalaki.

Hindi ko nakita kung ano ang itsura niya dahil sa nakasuot siya ng hoodie nu'n, ang tanging nakita ko lang mapupula nitong labi at wala na.

That's what I'm trying to hide from them. Kapag kasi nalaman nilang may nangyaring ganu'n sakin baka sila pa mismo ang pumatay sa mga lalaking iyon. Ayaw ko na sila masangkot pa sa gulo.

Even Abuela doesn't even know about that since I separated from her. Kapag sinabi 'yon sa kaniya baka tumaas ang blood pressure niya. Matanda na si Abuela para dagdagan pa ang problema niya. Ako pa nga lang problema na sa kaniya eh.

Parang gusto ko nalang humimlay para siguro wala nang problema at wala ng sakit pang darating sa akin.

Ayaw ko na rin bumawi sa next life dahil kung ganito pa rin ang buhay na mararanasan ko du'n, huwag nalang. I'm tired to handle another drama.

I'm crying my ass off when I felt a arms wrapped around my body and giving me a warm hug that I wanted to feel since then. A hug that makes me feel safe and secure. Hug that gives me comfort.