Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Soul Ties and Blue Eyes

It's been a long time since I've found myself back here. The going back feeling of emotions and writing. It can be quite exhausting sometimes, but something about it is so exhilarating. Seeing all that has passed and happened and the emotions that come with it.

I took a deep breath, and when I saw the numbers counting, I struggled for a second. I nearly choked. Did he even know who it was? He said he did, and I can say I was caught by surprise. While I always thought he might be my demise over time, I did indeed grow from it all.

I was angry. I was depressed. I was impatient. I was vengeful. But, there were moments I was happy. Genuinely, hopelessly happy. I would sit on my bedroom floor and stare up at my ceiling, counting my lucky stars on how long he would stay with me.

And when he left, every single time he left, I would cry, and cry, and cry. But now, it's like a little dance. A "hello" and a "see you later." But I know it will never truly be goodbye.

They say that just because you have knowledge does not mean you understand, but just because you understand doesn't mean you're knowledgeable. I will hold that dearly for the rest of my life. While I hold my mother's hand as she cries over yet another man, and- "Why doesn't he understand?" I smile. And I tell her what you mumbled to me.

I wait for the next time I see someone's face. One of you, and hoping more for one than another. I try to breathe out the uneasiness of it all and inhale the relief of knowing and just maybe understanding for once. We make the decisions we do because of the people we are. Everything happens for a reason. I'm not the person I used to be but, I can feel her running and chasing. Mirroring.

I close my eyes and wrap up in my blanket, holding onto dear life, hoping that I'll go to sleep quickly to avoid the guilt and sadness. But, I know with it comes relief as I cry a little more and wonder if you'll do what I asked and remember everything we said. I hope you never truly go away. Check in between the pages, and leave little hints.

I think you're something that is unexplainable to me, my person, my soul, who I am. I couldn't tell you where it is that you begin and that I end. I just know that whatever our souls are made of, yours and mine are the same.

Thank you for doing this for me. Letting me go to see if I can honestly do it. Be happy. That is how I know if I have ever doubted how you feel or felt. There is something there you feel for me.

I'll see you sooner or later. As I close my eyes and count the stars, hoping that I don't call you. You'll always be my first love, no matter how it is written.

Forever and Always.