Excerpts I'll Never Tell

An Ongoing Thread: The Messages I'll Never Send To Anyone

6/8
To: LF
I won't text you again after this until you do, or if I'm having concerns or questions -- unless that doesn't apply anymore, you need to tell me. I was under the impression if either of us had doubts or something important going on we could message the other. I was honestly also under the impression it may be a possibility for me to visit you soon or at the end of July or August, depending on the situation (my job primarily and ourselves). Which honestly today I've been considering just saying throw caution at the wind and coming to you now if it seems doable between the both of us. I'm not sure. You can just tell me no to this message or don't even respond, and I won't message you anymore, even if I have questions or doubts. I'm sorry. I'm just confused about the boundaries, honestly, and my heart and head are fighting with one another to be listened to when it comes to myself and you. I feel like I may have gotten the wrong impression before, but, if you want me there and you really mean it - convince me it'll be okay, and I'll come.

7/18
To: LF
My heart hurts. It squeezes and quenches. I convince myself of little signs and messages that if they come or go, it says something. "If I see this, I'll call." "If he calls now, it means it was real, and he's thinking of me, and it's possible." It always feels out of reach, but it makes my heart ache. I can't image another love where I'm not wondering about you... I wonder if it's like that for you too. Honestly, it's unfair to both of us. I'm not sure why these feelings stick like this. All I know is I'm sick in bed, my heart is aching, and I'm just trying to ignore that feeling. I wonder if we saw each other, it would've made a difference... I like to think it would've made all the difference, but, it didn't happen, so I don't know. I wonder if you think of me, and if you do, does it hurt?

7/20
To: LF
A lifetime. Did you know at 14/15, I went and saw a psychic. A palm reader - I know a cliche; what's crazy is she told me things that I never would have guessed but have all came true. The last one was in July of last year. It hurts. The things she said, and the ways she paved. I want to defy her. Defy that there is a set path for us. She so far has prophesied about 4 things in my lifetime since then that I remember, that have come to fruition. I want her to be wrong about a lot, and honestly, a part of me wants to stand against what she has said. I'm scared. I'm scared of never knowing a love so strong that is returned. I'm scared of companionship that is lonely rather than actually being alone. I'm afraid that is what I'm doomed forever to be faced with and to be plagued with wondering what if. I wonder what kind of lifetime awaits you if I'm not in it... but just one dance by the fire, right?

8/5
To: LF
The stars were beautiful tonight. I thought of you as I told you I would, good things, of course. I miss you. I wonder if you're thinking of me at all and where your head is at. I miss you so much it hurts. I wish I could see you. I want to be there. I would come now if you asked me to, book that flight. Just... A love like that. I want to love you so hard, there in person. I don't know. I keep replaying and reminding myself that you don't want me in your life anymore. I keep avoiding the text messages so that I don't reread them, I know it's going to hurt. I'm going to respect you, though. I'm sorry, I don't know. I love you. Even when you don't want to hear it, I'll always say it, even if not directly to you, because I don't ever want to miss that chance. Even when you don't know it or hear it or see it. Always. I love you.

8/17
To: LF
I think a lot of my writings lately summarize my emotions and feelings. Kind of selfish in its own way, I guess. I've been tired, very tired. A part of me fights the other most days. I keep trying to immortalize that I can freely say what I wish on the off chance you won't ever see this. I still want to go to you. I still want to be there. I still want to make that jump. It's so out of my comfort zone, but lately, I've been absolutely miserable. With everything. I've come to the conclusion that happiness is all within your thoughts and actions, and ultimately I can't solidify anything that genuinely makes me happy other than spending time with you, gardening, and reading. I miss your stupid ass jokes, your laughter, and seeing your face. I still leave messages for you in places I know you don't have access to anymore. Lately, I've seen crap tons of gnomes, lol. I also keep updating that song playlist, even if you don't listen. It sucks it has come to this part, but I know ultimately we are the dictators of our own lives, and I know if ever given that chance again, at our own discretion, I'm going to go out there and change my life to be with you. That's not a promise to you but to myself. I deserve to be happy and not deprive myself of that. Well, I guess it is a slight promise to you, too, lol, to make you happy as well in person. Anyways, yeah, it's me. There's the message, the update. I love you, loser. See you later.