Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Cinnamon & Cedar-wood

I'll lay here tonight wrapped in your scent. I'll cry as much as possible, and get the worst headache to ensure I feel all of this.

Yes, I messed up. I am sorry.

You undermined my love for you every step of the way, and I never wore it on my sleeve because I knew. I have loved you in an infinite amount of ways. You said I would never find someone that loves me like you, you will never find someone that will stick around like I have or loves you like I do. You always asked me to express how I felt first because you never understood, and you never considered that I stuck around through it all.

I stuck with you through it all, like you said. The bad, ugly, and worst. Even when you destroyed me and lied, and all of the things before. I stayed, no matter how long ago - it still counts. To you that doesn't count anymore. That's not fair. I waited, and helped when I could. I watched from afar when possible. I want to move forward with you, which I know we will both mess up. It's inevitable, we're both learning how to be better, it's not instant. It would be easier in person which I would do for you.

I never, ever, hold it against you now. I never cheated. I may have waited too long, and hesitated. I am human. I am sorry. You're allowed to be angry and disappointed and upset. But, to walk away..

I love you unconditionally, and stayed by your side through it all when you allowed it. When is it your turn to love me unconditionally and stand by my side through all my flaws, even when I do mess up? Through the good, bad, ugly, and worst. To help me change and grow as you did, and as I helped you?

You're supposed to work through anything and everything. Love through it all the bad, and ugly to worship the good.

Just like you needed time to fix your imperfections -- I do too. We will always be fixing something. I needed to feel safe like I could come to you even if it was a little bit late, I needed it to count that I still said something rather than I said "No".

So, I am sorry for my part, and you may never understand this perspective but, just like you said to me, you won't find a healthy stable relationship until you do.

I needed you to work with me like you needed me to work with you. I needed you to love me through all of the ugly as I do/did you -- and you couldn't. I have been with you through most if not all of your ugly and I'm still here.

I'm here now hurting, and wanting to fix it but, it's not in my court anymore. You said you chased after me for a long time. But, in reality, it was me. I always tried in my own way with what I had left to give you, even if you didn't see it. Even when I tried to go slow and hesitated, I loved you unconditionally. I always waited for you, all throughout basic training when you didn't even want to talk to me. Even when I had doubt. I was ready to take on the world with you and work through every single one of our messed up ways hand in hand -- even if one of us is wrong occasionally until we work on it -- together because this is what love is.

Even when you hate them, you love them for every bit and piece. You overcome. You heal. You grow. Together. It's a choice, through every step.

So, was it really me? Am I really your forever and always?

Now I'll grip onto these things a little harder and fall asleep to the scent of cinnamon and cedar-wood.
Home, because I choose you. Flaws and all.

Might even shed a few more tears. Worse case, I can always take this down before you see it in the morning.

So, it's the next morning, well afternoon.. I've decided not to take it down. Because this is my release. These are my feelings. I can't hide from them, whether that be me or you. So, this is it. This is my heart.

I still have a headache, and I'm still smelling of cinnamon and cedar-wood. Home.

Separate we are whole, together we are more. We don't complete one another, but we make one another better.