Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Brown-Eyed Girl

The orange of the twinkle lights dances across my skin while the storm rages on outside. My mind feels about a mile high in all directions possible. A million roads, a thousand options, a hundred ways.

Headlights make their way into my window and cast shadows on the back wall. The wall of the present, or is it the past? In my writings, I used to write myself into the places of my dreams or story books, but have you noticed lately I've been in the confinement of these four walls? I'm trying to escape the present and the memory. I have places in mind but not quite yet the will to jump. That's okay, though; it happens to most, if not all, of us.

The ceiling has yet to be covered in stars like it used to be; they used to shine for me.

I imagine a place somewhere deep in a forest where I can lay on the front of my car and just watch the sunset then the stars.

I feel the hauntings of missing family members, friends, and people in general. Having that bond with friends and family that so many others tend to take for granted. I have been reduced down to me, which is okay, but it still stings and mourns, especially at times when family is supposed to come together, and friends are supposed to help you conquer.

Hey, dad, why?

Hey, brother, where are you?

Hey, sister, do you remember?

Hey, mom, what happened?

Hey, friend, when?

Hey, cowboy.

I refuse to spend the rest of my lifetime mourning over these relationships; I will always wonder, of course, I am only human.

I am a big chestnut-eyed girl with dreams of the world, and she wears her heart on her sleeve with nothing but memories. My heart and mind like to tug and tug until I am boiled down into the confinements I am now. Once upon a time, someone told me a lot of women and men experience this. I feel like I have experienced more than enough for a lifetime.

I want to be happy. I will reassess and reassess, then once I know for sure what it is that I want, I will go after it. I will not waver anymore from the ideas of anyone else but myself. Hell, I might even ignore myself too; I am my worst critique. So for now, I'll take care of myself and be determined in the things I'm after. No more questions or answers except for those that matter. Say the words, darlin', I already know when.

You're my brown-eyed girl. I am never the same but, always myself.

Fear comes from the earth; clarity comes from the heavens, once in a blue moon.

It'll be okay, brown eyed girl.