Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Sunsets on the Horizon

You know when they say it's supposed to be a beautiful, sunny day and it just suddenly downpours while you're in the middle of no where outside? Today was like that, and I was hit with a hurricane standing in the middle of chaos, trying my best to breathe through whatever was thrown at me.

Whether that be an older gentleman confused out of his mind crying because his deceased wife isn't around or when he's smiling because he thinks I'm her, or someone screaming in pain from surgery calling me names, or a doctor yelling in my face how incompetent I am, or being pushed to finally go off on my own when I'm terrified, or when I finally get a response from you and you say, "I don't want you in my life period" or when I finally get home and the reality of the day finally hits me. I just cry.

So much change has surrounded my sky, and the stars are covered in storm clouds. I keep trying to keep the galaxy in my hands from disappearing, or the sun from completely setting but, there it is - gone.

I hate the pain that I feel from others and myself. I can breathe away theirs but not my own. The promises that are broken, and the hearts that are fractured, the words that are spoken..

I can't mess up. I can't not be ready. I can't not know these things. I cannot be unsure. I cannot falter. I can't fix things after the fact. I cannot try to change bad habits.

The sky is dark and gray, I am in the middle of the storm. There is no North Star in sight.

I would have imagined a time when I came home from work to the smell of freshly baked goods. A time where he would have loved me in the indescribable ways of a 14 year old girl, that have matured into the 21 year old before the mirror. When he would smile his stupid grin, and love me through all of the years. The rain would have been slamming against the roof of the home he built for himself that turned into the home of our children, but we would have danced by the fireplace anyways. The storm surrounding us and the laughter would've pursued with monuments of happiness even in storms, because we knew how to dance in them. With him I would know that when I went to sleep that night in his arms watching the stars, I would always wake up with the sunshine in the morning.

Here I am now though, a sick finality to it. I don't want you in my life anymore, period. The mask crumbles of the day and emotions, and here I am. 14 again.

The sun sets.