Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Elysian

A dim window. Skip. Skip. Skip.
Get those songs out of my head. Delete. Delete.
This "book" always warrants the question, What do you feel? What do you think? What's going on? And it's interesting because the digital books and in the physical ones I can mark out moments in my life of what was going on when words were written. This includes story books too.

This digital one has taken on the facade of dancing back and forth between hope and hopelessness. I've seen it on the brink with the sharpest of words, and softest within the same breath. It's insane how fast the human mind and its emotions can just flip or switch. Some say it's a gift. Consciousness.

Currently, I am doing what I do best and trying to turn it off. Ignore it until I can't, and it's funny because I know when I get there, and I see those stars I won't be able to. For now though, I will just breathe and try to ignore the reminders or that nagging voice in my head blaming myself or belittling me, saying that he's not even thinking about me at all. He's burning everything and throwing it all away. It was nothing. I know that's not true, but it's there. It's present like a toothache and it can't help but throb.

Everything just is and hurts. When I read Game Board of the Gods I was a senior in high school hopping between houses and schools. I was actually alone and found comfort in completing months worth of work in a week, then sitting in class binging books, head on the desk. The teacher that recommended it was Mrs. Good- ironic right? It was a last resort school.

Now I'm lost in between the pages of another book being pulled into another world to lose the thoughts of daily life, that is until she describes her Elysian smelling like cinnamon and cedar wood. Then I'm jolted to think of you.

That is how I'm feeling. That is what is happening. This is what I think.

But what if you're wrong, what if it's the greatest love? What if you are wrong. Fear.
I'm afraid too.