Excerpts I'll Never Tell

All or Nothing

Heavy chested, my head falls back, my chin pointing to the sky. The tears fall back up to my eyes, and I choke on my silent cry. Looking for love in all the wrong places. "Leave then. Leave me; I don't care anymore." I sit stunned and bite back my words. "It's all or nothing to you".

Slightly relieved, slightly destroyed. Goosebumps raise on my arms, and I rub them down. Heart-shaped eyes, rose-colored glasses. What did you do to my eyes? What did you sing to that lonely child? Promised it all, but you lied.

I was too young to know and too old to admit. I can't see how this will end. I touch my hand to the glass and look back at myself. So damn stubborn.

So tired of fighting for years on end again, and again, and again for those I love. I gave up. I don't want to be the only one fighting anymore. I'm done. And yet, no one chose to fight for me without me convincing them to stay. No one loved me without me convincing them to.

You better slow down, baby, soon.

Laying in the middle of the neon street, looking up at the moon, I see everything but nothing. The glow is astonishing; you couldn't possibly see. It's all or nothing, isn't it?

Someone one day will give me all the way I give it back to them. We will learn and build off one another for the role models we lacked. I'll stare at the reflection of glowing neon signs and count the stars. I will love myself entirely and whole while they claim all the things they do but not truly. I know the love I want; I know the love I deserve. I'm just waiting for whoever he is to realize it, have actions behind his words, and be my partner in this crazy-ass world.

It's all or nothing to you? Yes, it is.