Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Radical

Radical. It's an exciting word, concept, or, well, person. Radical.

I feel as though progression for me has come to a complete halt. My mind keeps swiveling between my decisions of what's best. I remember that change is supposed to be uncomfortable. This time, however, it keeps me up late, even at 3 in the morning. How does one decide?

Well, you ask for random signs, of course. If you believe in that type of thing, that is. I need to decide to do things for myself. It's not an easy feat. My mind is in scrambles a lot and never really turns into radio silence unless I'm showering in the dark, which honestly, I did even today. Of course, that was a runner with a migraine.

I know where I want to go. I need courage, though; I know that I keep feeling like time is slipping through my hands. A year feels like a month, a month like a day, and a day like a minute.

Honestly, the thought of it makes me nauseous. You know this is word vomit, but people don't like people like me. The individual who thinks too hard and feels too many things. Words, to me, are like physical touch, whereas actions are definitive -- they speak emotion.

I want to travel, and I want to be stubborn about what I want.

I want to go into the career that I want without the suggestions of others. I want to travel to the places on my bucket list, whether that means I'm alone or not. I want to become an author. I want to not feel minuscule in size to others; however, that means I cannot feel minuscule to myself.

I need to feel alive. Who knew so much could change in someone's mental state within just a measly amount of months? Oh yeah. Months are days to me mentally right now.

I want someone to love me for me. Thoughts, feelings, and all. I need and want someone to understand me and love me for it. I do, however, need to find that love for myself first. This all comes with the first step, the very first step.

The radical step. Have I found the courage that I have been so profusely lacking?