Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Escape my mind

I've been depressed lately, and I'm not one that is all knee deep in that usually.

The type of depression where you lay in your bed for days, and do the bare minimum. You get rushes of energy that quickly falter, and give out like a match.

Where is it I'm going? I don't know, but I'm stubborn.

You can't look me in the face and try to guide my way by telling me what to do. That choice is not up to you. I'll go on my way, with the choices I decide because my future is mine.

How do I escape it? How do I go? Where do I go? Everything that I know, the comfortableness of the thing I once called home. My mind is a bit numb, it's a scary feeling that I've felt many years ago. It's a static TV looking back at me, asking what is it that you're going to do?

To tell you the truth, I'm still walking around in the dark. I'm still grasping at the walls hoping that something, anything sticks.

It's a hellbent of a problem, that throws punches that most individuals experience in this life time. I've been certain about everything but myself. Imagine being a stranger to one's self? Looking in the mirror feeling foreign.

All I know is I want to feel safe, but I feel like threats are everywhere and I can't confidently make a decision to step forward. "You're such a leader" I am. But who is going to lead me? Well, nobody. It's just me, right? Is that it? I feel anger a lot more, and twisting sadness. I don't know it's source, or maybe I've shut it out. Refusing to confront it like I'm fifteen again.

All I know is that I need to move forward, so I'll continue to scramble and grasp in the dark. That is until something, anything - sticks.