Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Green-Hued Beaut/Trouble

The days seem to go by faster than they actually are. I'm not sure if it's me or the constant watching of the sun rising and setting again.

01:35am.

If I'm honest on a daily my emotions blend and sometimes I'll find myself in the middle of homework getting up and dancing to music from years and years ago. Feeling like I'm in a room of everyone I've ever loved but in reality, I'm dancing alone. Even now.

The white wall looks at me with a pale green hue, and all I can think of is... Well. It's like the feeling of the ocean crashing against my skin. A haze inside my glasses, pushing them up to be able to see a new perspective.

Everyone always says they want to live every single day as their last, yet they take almost every day for granted. I don't want to be that person, I want to literally do what feels best for me and do what I know will make me happy. I just have to find the gut and willpower to do it. I have always had gut issues though, for the last three years that is.

Time for me to see a specialist and get a new gut, huh? Look at me, leaving little clues for me to read back and laugh at myself days, weeks, or months from now.

I'm tryna change my mind. Why didn't you ever call me while you were high?

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I was never really a good person, to begin with. The things I have and the things I want- laugh at each other every night while I'm finally alone.

"Tell me pretty lies,look me in my face,tell me that you love me,even if it's fake."

Warm comfort like an embrace, with slight forehead kisses that turn cold over time.

Cold comfort that is a staring down a chokehold turning into an embrace that turns hotter and hotter the more you allow it.

"And you can lead me on,and leave these questions in my sheets,I'm under it,I made my bed and I'm still wondering."

I don't understand how, or why. But, I don't mind if you fuck up my life.

Wondering if there was ever a time I was worth fighting for.

"Got so much to lose, got such much to prove, god don't let me lose. Trouble on my left, trouble on my right. I've been facing trouble almost all my life. My sweet love, won't you pull me through?Everywhere I look, I catch a glimpse of youI said it was love and I did it for life."

I know that I'm worth fighting for. I know my worth, but why didn't anyone fight for me the way I will fight for them or myself? I have a really big heart, I guess.

Rest easy, as I try to conjure up a new gut and become more comfortable with being by myself; a new feat I've learned over the last three years.