Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Deprivation

* Explicit Warning *

I sit in the bathtub, the water hot, but my tears hotter. I used to drink water to have the feeling of drowning, but now that's too light. Like an addict with an addiction, you add to the dose. I lay in the bathtub of water and go under. I want to scream and suffer. I want to feel every ounce of pain. Every fiber on my body tortured and burned. I want to feel everything at once. It's all my fault. It's all my fault that's repeatedly going on inside my head. For over the years, that's all I was taught. It's all your fault; it's all your fault. My fingers go over my body in places people see but never truly see. I run my fingers over every scar and burn as the water starts pouring into my lungs. Isn't this what I deserve? Isn't this what I fucking deserve? Like a razor to the skin, to the water in my lungs. My vision is clenched shut, but then I remember him saying, "Don't be a coward look at me." In my mind.. he couldn't be here, right? I open my eyes, and the water stings as I stay under and watch what is above the water. "You deserve it." Is all that courses through my veins. As I remember the feeling of my ribs cracking against the steps and the boy's hands around my throat suppressing the air, I need to breathe, and my lungs start to collapse. I deserve this.

(A powerful piece I wrote as a freshman in high school.)