Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Drunken cosmos

Shakey fingers, and swiveling words. Gasping for air and the slightest idea. I love him, he loves me - does he? A faint memory.

The reality sinks in deep and alcohol sloshes against my memory. I'm in deep, 2 drinks in but clear thoughts. I'm faded, literally in hindsight but also to him, I'm faded. Laying in the dark with the faintest glow watching the candlelight flicker on the ceiling. Should I go to him? Would it matter? Would he care? Would he be there?

If I asked him to come to me, and offered to pay because of course I would offer, would he? Would he be here? Would he appear? I know you don't know, but my address has changed. Same building. Different apartment. In case it mattered.

My mind swivels 3:23am. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. It's been a while since I've drank, I don't very often, believe it or not, I'm tired. So tired. It's odd, I feel better compared to last year mentally, wiser almost, and healthier but at the same time aspects of myself are reshaping and molding as they always are.

I wouldn't call you because I'm not drunk enough, but even if I was, would I? Probably not. I respect you too much. I wonder if I did though if you would answer. Why else would you be here? Guilt? Love? Longing? God, who knows. You would eventually, if it was real.

I saw the stars for the first time in a long time, they always make me slow down. They make time stop, and my breath slow.

Breathing shallow. Dreams surround me and I'm sure I'll face the shadow of a man that I love, or the shadow of myself. The cosmos, you can't reach them no matter how much you grasp.