Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Sway

Today, I don't feel well; the hot flashes are making me sway, and something doesn't feel quite right. I feel as though I'm grasping within myself, like my body knows the answer before I do, and my heart won't stop aching. I don't have the answer; I may know the potential reasons, but not a solidified one. Angel numbers are chasing me like crazy and sometimes make me uneasy. I've never been one to see numbers in crazy intervals like that. 444, 333, 222, 2121, 953, 729. Then, of course, I saw two ravens.

The cars driving by feel like a blur, and I never would have thought I'd be the type to drive without remembering the drive.

They say those we love leave pieces of themself within us. I started talking to my dad again. I wish I could tell you about it. I'm not sure why you were always my comfort when it came to him. You always made it feel easier.

For some reason, today has just been swarmed with you. I can't get away from it. I hate it sometimes because it feels so one-sided. This whole drive to work, all I could think about was if I visited there, would you come to see me if I asked? I remember before writing, asking you to like or comment on something; I saw you before liked one of my excerpts, even if you deleted it. So you are still looking at these or at least you were, it surprised me. I'm unsure why because I was certain you would just be gone. It's comforting in a way but it still hurts because I can't really know what you're thinking. One-sided, I wish you would have made your story as we talked about. I remember you telling me about it.

I wonder where your mind is. I'm not sure. I think I'll always have pieces of you in my mind or a part of my life, regardless of where I am. I wish we had been on the same page before, and I'm sorry for not being more pushing about me not being ready. I miss you a lot, and I want to see you in person. I wish it were different, and I'm sorry. I am trying to give you the space you asked for; so much time has passed. Do you still think about me?

I'm sitting in the driveway just writing this.

I did end up revisiting this late at night while watching their baby sleep. I haven't deleted much, but I added a good amount. It's 03:43. I'm fighting demons to stay awake, but I'm doing it. Honestly, I would ignore most of what I've added since I'm so tired or not because it's such an unfiltered version of me. I feel odd still, not so much like something is wrong like earlier, but I feel off. I hope you're okay. I miss your face and your voice, loser. I think about you all the time. Do you think about me? Often, I listen to music and dwell in it, to be honest. I have found the solice you talked about being alone. It took a long time, but I found it. I also found the thing we talked about a while ago, I've been debating on sending it to you. I don't want to be pushy or expect anything from you, but I did promise you if I found it I would get you it. To be honest, I miss you "bullying me" or repeatedly making me tell you loudly how much I love you. I think I would purposely tell you quietly how much I love you to get you to make me yell it. I want to do it to you, too, see if you yell it. I'm still holding out that dance for you by the fire. I always will. If I asked you, would you see me? 04:44.
"No homo", said vegeta.

I'm not sure why I wrote this now, looking back. I know it's an outlet, and it does help me. It also hurts a lot. Making my own assumptions on how you feel about me. That you don't care. I don't know what I expected. I don't want to feel like this anymore.