Excerpts I'll Never Tell

Morning Coffee (JS&N)

Some lost part of me doesn't know how to start these anymore. A lot of people say whenever they did something, they "just started," and I guess that's what I'm trying to do. I'm "just starting"...

I don't know what I'm doing, honestly; some part of me is just wanting to back up and leave you alone, give you space. Another part of me is insistent, like an old version of me that's just grasping around. I don't know if I should even be posting these, who knows if you're even seeing these or caring for that matter, yanno? Honestly, I kind of hope you don't see this one if you're here.

I've been waking up at 5-6 am almost every day and needing to force myself to go back to sleep. When I do finally wake up, it's either I've had no dream at all or back-to-back dreams of absolute fuzziness surrounding so many situations it's hard to piece together.

It's this weird feeling I keep getting of just overwhelming anxiety. I keep trying to see your perspective and mine side by side so that it's fair, even if we don't agree. I wish I would've been given the benefit of the doubt because there is no way to prove anything other than my word. I didn't cheat; why would I? If I was a liar, why would I tell you "yes" and go into explanation? I want you. It has always been you. Even when you doubt me, it's you. I can prove it to you if you let me. I want to prove it to you.

Honestly, I keep shutting down. I don't feel functional until I'm "just doing it", yanno? Like I woke up today at 8 am, and for the last 3 hours, I've accomplished all of nothing. My plants are dying. It's odd. I have days where I'm good and getting whatever is needed done, and the next, I'm just trudging along. I'm watching the vampire diaries again. This was my comfort show when I was 14. I don't know...

I feel like there's more to add but honestly, I'm numbing right now and I can't grasp much. When I do, maybe I'll be back here to add more. Until then, who knows? I'll just nurse my coffee until then and read Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell surrounded by my dying plants...

Dragon Bloodstone, Amethyst, Ocean Jasper, Opalite, Labradorite, Hematite, Sapphire, an alien, and a piece of me. As I was walking in, a yellow or orange butterfly - I'm not sure, flew right by my face, almost as if to say hello and encouraging me.

You know, I'm not super far in the book, but I do still think magic exists and is practiced by magicians, just not in the way it used to be. Especially when it's delivered by the things around us, almost too coincidental. So does that make all books about magic rather than of? I also wanted to add, I'm not sure the meaning of it, but when I started reading the book, two crows kept swarming around me in broad daylight. Again, almost too coincidental.

Some time has again passed, I'm just watching the storm rage on outside my window with the book in my lap, and I'm just... breathing. The gods are angry outside, the thunder is so loud. Taking it all in one stride and wondering if you've gotten my messages, or if it's all just timeless cosmos lost in-between the pages and thunder.

Then a bright blue bird flies by my window after the border of storms- see, magic.