Battle scars

•We Aren't the Same Anymore.•

I feel like I'm not loved anymore. I feel like he chooses to love me sometimes and other times just uses me. I don't know what to do anymore. When we first met, we were so in love. We would talk everyday. I could talk to anyone that I wanted. I could spend as much money as I wanted. I didn't have my phone checked every week. He didn't comment home, raging mad, and beat me. He didn't tell me what I can and cannot wear on certain days. He didn't have to apologize for anything. He didn't make me feel stupid, worthless, scared or unloved. I had a lot more freedom a year ago. Now it's like I'm his child. Like I'm worthless. I wish I had some liberty to go out one night and have a girls night. But, he won't let me even do that. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. No one knows that he does this. Everyone knows his good side, that used to know.

I'm watching tv and he walks in the door from work. It's about 6:00 pm. He's in his work clothes. I'm in sweatpants, and a tank top, watching friends. He punches the wall.

"What's wrong, hun?" I ask hoping he won't do this again.

"I just had to work for six hours and come home and my tire is going flat." He grumbles. He walks towards me. He raises his hand and I flinch.

"Please don't, mark!" I cry out in fear. He lowers his hand. I get up and go into the kitchen. I'm fighting tears. I get out a spoon to eat some ice cream. I open the freezer, but mark slams it shut and slaps me across the face, with all his force. I fall to the ground. I couldn't fight the tears anymore. I felt a tear slip down my left cheek. I whine in pain. "Why, mark?! Why do you have to do this?!"

"Dont yell at me!" He demands.

I curl up on the cold tile floor and cry some more. He goes to the wall and punches it. I whimper.

He comes to his senses a little and realizes what he's done. He picks me up, bridal style off the floor. I tense up, afraid of what he going to do. He places me on the couch, in his lap.

"Oh, Julie. I'm so sorry." He whispered. I'm sorry I was just mad. And-"

I cut him off. "You were just mad? I don't want your to be freaking sorry, I want you to stop doing this. I'm tired of being concealed and, pretty much, hidden!" I said. "You've been doing this for a year. I'm getting tired of it, mark." I'm just so tired. And I have bruises all over me."

He looked down at the ground. "I'm so sorry. I'll stop. I promise."

At that I went to bed. I didn't respond. I just said "well good night" and headed up to my room.

I know this isn't going to stop. My gut says so. But, I'm afraid of what could happen if I leave. I wish he would stop. I don't know what to do. I can't leave. I'm actually scared of him. I am. I'm scared of my own boyfriend of almost 2 years. I know he won't keep that promise. I have heard that promise several times. He has never kept it.