Battle scars

•Never Leave Me•

Jake won't let me have any sharp objects. He monitors me to make sure I'm not going to hurt myself again. I can shower by myself, change, and use the restroom but that's pretty much it. At least he cares..

He hasn't been looking good lately. He looks more pale and he wears his beenie more. His hands are freezing all the time. And he needs his oxygen tank more often.

I don't know why, but i couldn't get my mind off of Mark last night. I had a dream about him. Well. I would call it more of a nightmare than a dream. He had threatened me with a knife, and then Jake walked in the front door or our place. Then he threatened to kill me if he took another step. Then i woke up. I woke up crying and screaming.

I'm better now that I'm awake and making breakfast, pancakes with blueberries in them.

Jake is watching tv with a blue blanket on him. He looks so adorable.

I poured the batter on the pan of melted butter. Then all of a sudden I felt detached from my surroundings. The room began to spin. My hearing began to echo. I couldn't breath. My breath was taken. I stumbled around the counter corner. I gripped the edge of it trying to steady myself.

Jake came around the couch. "Are you okay? What's happening?!"

I couldnt get my breath to explain. I panicked more. Everything was spinning. There was a throbbing pain in my head. I fell to the floor. I laid there. Gasping for breath. Everything was blurry except for jake's face. He was hovering over me. I couldn't make out what he was saying.

I got a few words out between the struggles for oxygen. "Panic..... Attack... Can't.... Breath...!!"

He scrambled over the the hall closet. He got his oxygen tank. Then brought a mask, instead of nubbins that go in your nose. He put the mask on my face. It covered my nose and mouth. I was still gasping for breath, squirming around on the floor. I slowly calmed down. I closed my eyes taking in the sweet air coming from the mask. He was stroking my hair while kneeling over me.

"Julie, you're going to be okay. Calm down. Calm down. Please. You're okay. You're okay. Breath. In. Out. In. Out. You're okay." He said in a surprisingly calm voice.

still breathing heavily but slower, I manage to say, "Jake..., I.. Love you.. So much... I couldn't... Ask for better.... Thank you...." I closed my eyes. Apparently I was crying. How long has I been crying? I have no idea.

"I love you too, princess." He said he had a smile on his face. His face was also red. Was he crying too? I couldn't tell with the tears floating in my eyes due to laying down.

I slowly sat up. He picked me up and carried me to the couch. He laid me on his lap. He pulled the oxygen tank up next to us as we sat down. He laid my head in the arm of the couch. His arm under my neck, with his hand resting on my shoulder. His other hand stroking my hair.

"How did you manage to have a panic attack," he asked.

"I'm not... sure." I was still trying to breath.

"Oh. Well sometimes you don't have a reason. They just come to you unexpectedly." His voice gave me chills. He was so calm and adorable.

"Jake? Can I ask you something?" I said.

"Of course. "

"Promise you'll never leave me.. Never hurt me like he did. Promise me that?" I said.

He frowned and tears welled up in his eyes, once again. "You know I'm going to leave before long. There's nothing we can do about that. But I'll be with you as long as I can. And I would never, ever hurt you like, Mark did."

I began to cry. I didn't want to think that I could lose him at any moment. I held back my tears as much as I could.  A few escaped my eyes. I could breath fine now. I sat up, still on his lap. He slipped his hand behind my neck, then he kissed me. He broke the kiss by pulling about an inch away. His forehead against mine. He whispered, "Oh my gosh. I love you so much."

That was all it took. I broke down. The tears flowed from my eyes, like Niagara falls. I cried. He held me tighter. I collapsed in his arms. I managed to get a few words out. "I love you too." I curled up against him. I buried my face in his chest. It's like the fact that he has cancer is just now starting to sink in.

He adjusted his beenie. Then he retired his arm to my side. He held me tight, and rocked back and forth. Just holding me. Hugging me. Comforting. I had never felt so safe with him. I don't think I've ever loved Mark the way I loved Jake.

"Julie... You know I love you so much. You are the perfect woman for me." He said as I cried into his chest. I'm sure his shirt was soaked with my tears.

I looked up at him. I probably looked hideous. My eyeliner was probably smeared everywhere, my face red, eyes red and swollen, just a mess. I looked into his eyes, through my tears. "What are you getting at, here?"

"Here. I'll be right back." I climbed off him onto the couch. He got up and went into his bedroom. He was only gone about thirty seconds before he returned.

"I've been wanting to do this for a while now. But I was always to nervous. I think this is the perfect time. But, here goes.
Julie, I love you so much. You are my entire world now. Whether I have cancer or not, you're always going to come first. You're the love of my life. You're perfect to me. I love you. Everything about you. I love your scars, your attitude, your beautiful eyes, your smile, your support, and many more things. I love that you love me. I love that you love me despite the fact that you could lose me at any moment. I want you t always know that I'm with you, forever and always. Princess, I'm in your heart." He pointed at my hear try. He was staring deeply into my eyes. I was smiling and crying at the same time. He continued on. "You're in my heart. I love you, Julie. I love you so much. You are so beautiful. We had been best friends for a long long time. I hadn't seen you in forever. That day I saw you in the hospital, laying there, bruised and cut, I loved you. I thought you were so beautiful, despite the injuries. You're such an amazing person. I couldn't live without you. Ever. And so I have only one question for you. A question I've wanted to ask for a long time."

My heart was pounding. He pulled out a paper from the pocket of his sweat pants. It was folded. 

I unfolded it. He fiddled on his pocket for something as I read it. I opened the paper. It read:

"Julie, my one and only Princess, Will You Marry Me?" I looked up at him.

He was holding a ring box. He opened it revealing a beautiful engagement ring.