Call Me Blade✔

Thirty-Eight: You're stronger than you think

Chapter song: Better Now by Oh Wonder

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I've been at the psych ward for a week now. One full week of group therapy, one on one therapy, and medication. I've been prescribed pills for my depression and anxiety. All is supposed to be fine now.

Except it isn't.

I never worked through my parents death and watching them die in front of me ruined me in so many ways. Years of not working through past trauma while living through more trauma has messed me up beyond repair.

So in conclusion, I'm broken, and there's no fixing me.

I don't volunteer much information about how I'm feeling. The therapist has to ask me questions based off my medical records from the last time I was here. Usually yes or no questions where I nod or shake my head.

Everyone uses my real name here. I'm no longer Blade. It feels like a part of me is being rediscovered, but I can't bring myself to allow her to fully emerge. I keep telling people to call me Blade. I carry around a piece of paper with the words written on it, but no one listens. Here, I am who I was four years ago, except I'm not.

Group therapy helps. More than regular therapy does. Something about hearing how messed up everyone else's life is makes me pity myself less. It helps me feel less alone. I don't want to kill myself anymore, but who knows how long that'll last. The one person that kept me here is gone... possibly for good and I don't know if I'll ever be able to cope with that.

I've lost so much and I can't handle losing anymore.

I'm supposed to be released tomorrow. The doctors have deemed me stable, so I'm supposed to go home.

"Is there anything you'd like to share?" Dr. Goode asks me. It's my last group session, and so far I haven't shared anything. I shake my head.

No one seems surpised, but the new girl in the group speaks up. "Are you mute by choice?"

I stare at her for a moment before nodding.

"Why don't you speak?"

I shrug in response.

She tilts her head, eyes filled with curiosity. "What's your story? You must have experienced something awful to stop talking."

"Helen," Dr. Goode warns. "Don't push her if she's not ready to share."

Helen smiles. "Of course." She gets up out of her chair, walks over to me and squats down. The action catches everyone off guard, and I look at her with wide eyes.

"The world deserves to hear your voice. You deserve to have one. You're stronger than you think. Remember that."

The words echo in my head, and collide with the ones Farrah always said to me.

You're strong. Remember that.

I look at the girl in front of me. She has blue eyes and blonde hair, her skin pale in comparison to mine. She looks nothing like my sister, yet weirdly I feel Farrah's spirit in her.

Thank you. I mouth to her and she nods, giving me a smile before going back to her seat.

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