Call Me Blade✔

Forty- Glad You're Okay

I try not to think about how long we were up there. About how long Dustin held me as I cried like a weak little girl. About how much I didn't resent it.

It felt like everyone downstairs was staring when we came down together. Like they had front row seats to my breakdown. Dustin held my hand, rubbing his thumb in circles, and it was a welcome distraction from my overwhelming feelings.

"More cake?" Mrs. Swaz asks, being the perfect hostess as she held out two slices to us. I already had a piece, but I felt hungry again so I nodded my head timidly.

"Where's Faith?" Dustin asks quietly as we sit on the couch inside, and I take a sharp breath, my heart clenching painfully. I need to keep the tears in. I am not ready for to cry again. It has been almost two weeks since Todd took her and I feel more lost each day.

"Sorry," he says quickly, sensing my distress immediately. "I shouldn't have asked."

I take a shaky breath in attempt to soothe my nerves. I'm sure my miserable mood hasn't gone unnoticed, and I don't want to be a downer anymore. I shouldn't have even come at all.

I should go. I type out, showing the screen to Dustin.

"You don't have to."

I'm tired. I type.

He nods, understanding settling on his face. "Let's go say goodbye to Miriam."

We go outside, Miriam sitting with Nadia and Kourtney again.

"Blade's heading out," Dustin tells his sister. "She came to say goodbye."

Miriam grins, standing up. She's wearing heels so she's taller than me than she usually is. It feels weird only coming up to her chest.

"Bye," she says hugging me. "I'm so glad you made it! Don't ghost us for so long again." She jokes.

I sniff a small laugh, waving as I turn to leave.

"I can give you a ride home," Dustin offers but I shake my head.

"Okay." he says, not fighting me on it and I'm glad. He's still holding my hand, deep down I don't want him to let go. We're standing on the front steps in silence.

"I'm really glad you're okay."

****

I'm not going back to the house. I can't.

I can't face Melissa. I don't ever want to see her face again. Hear her voice. I want absolutely nothing to do with her.

There's an overwhelming feeling of frustration brimming within me. I sigh deeply, wanting to pull my hair out. I want to scream. Kick on the floor like a toddler.

I don't know where I plan to go. I have no where to stay except at Melissa's, but I just can't go back there.

I walk faster. No destination in specific just forward. That's all I've got for now.

It's not until my feet feel like falling off that I decide to actually think about what I'll do. To go back or not to go back... that is the question. I'm in an okay part of town. I haven't spent much time here because it isn't the nicest but no where in this town is truly unsafe.

I find a motel. I have enough money saved up that I can at least afford a night here.

The man behind the counter looks like he'd rather shoot himself than be there. His face is fixed in a scowl, his top lip curled up even though it's his resting face. He grunts when he sees me.

"What do you want?" He asks gruffly and I want to retreat. I sigh, typing into my phone that I'd like a room.

"Got one for ya. Just you?"

I nod and he tells me the price. Not as expensive as I expected. He hands me the keys after I give him the money, happy to be on my way, relieved it all went well.

The room was good. Nothing fancy or special. A double bed in the middle of the room with beige sheets. Two bed side tables with lamps on either side. White walls with floral wallpaper accents and floral sheets.

I sigh, exhaustion seeping into my bones. I sprawl on the bed, groaning when I open up my phone that's on five percent. I was in such a rush to leave I didn't grab a charger.

I'll go ask for one in a bit, I tell myself as I pick a song on the iPod, staring up at the ceiling fan, slipping into an almost hypnotic state as I let the music take me away.

****

Peaks of sunlight on my face makes me wake up. I slowly open my eyes, feeling incredibly disoriented. Panic seizes me for a moment when I don't recognize my surroundings and I jump up, relaxing when I remember where I am and that I'm safe.

Taking a deep breath, I reach for my phone to check the time and see that it's dead. With a deep sigh, I look at the iPod and groan, realizing how late it is. Seven-thirty.

I'll probably miss the first two sessions of class. Oh well.

I didn't really think through this plan of mine. I don't have anything with me except the clothes on my back and two useless electronics.

Maybe I could just stay in the room forever. Waste away in the almost too soft mattress. Never to be seen again. It's not like anyone would miss me. I doubt anyone would even notice. I let my mind run wild with thoughts of disappearing, wishing I could. Wishing I could just not exist anymore. What's the point? I have nothing to live for anyway.

Gripping my hair, I tug it aggressively, letting out a scream through clenched teeth.

Melissa.

The name makes me want to spit.

I decide that if I plan to go about life as if nothing is amiss, I have to get some stuff from the house. I have more cash there. I can get clothes and essentials to stay at the motel until my money runs out. I'll figure things out after that. Maybe I can pick up more hours at the bookstore.

Jane and Suki. My heart staggers as I remember that I left them high and dry. I felt guilty that I've just been gone.  They have been so good to me and I couldn't even be bothered to go see them since I've been out.

I hate everything and myself is at the top of that list.

*****

The relief I felt when I see that Melissa isn't home is overwhelming. I had fully planned on waiting until she wasn't home to get what I needed from my room, so if she was here I would have come back another time.

Things finally seem to be on my side and I take advantage, rushing in and grabbing what I need as quickly as possible. I manage to be in and out of the house in record time, wasting none to get what I want. If I never see Mellisa's face again it would still be too soon.

It's not realistic to avoid her like this. I will have to see her again, but I'd like to put that off for as long as possible.

With an overstuffed back pack, I make my way to school two hours late.

****

Hi, Friends <3

It has been a while since I've published anything but I'm back (sorta). Updates might still be slow but I really appreciate you for sticking around. Rewriting isn't as easy as I had thought.

I hope you're all doing well

Hugs

-aj