Streetlife

31 - On a Binge

TESS POV

I stumble down the sidewalk after leaving Harry's sadder than ever. The three days I spent with him had been nice and he had promised me the world, and I was eating it all up. The only issue was, I was not attracted to him whatsoever. I couldn't see us making it work, and although he had good intentions, it didn't set well with me. If anything, all I ever really wanted was my family...my daughter that I was forced to give up when I was only fifteen, and whom I thought about every single day of my life.

Course she's nine by now and I think in 4th or 5th grade. Maybe? I can only hope to god she is happy, healthy and not living the hell that I lived at nine when I had to move back in with mother after my grandmother had her stroke. No, God wouldn't do that to another Brown. Would he? I can only hope not because he had already done it to me, my sister Virginia and my mother.

But I wouldn't want my baby to know me, I wouldn't want her to know that her mama is a strung out junkie and washed up hooker. Who would wanna know that? But, no a damn day goes by that I don't wonder if she's okay or what she is doing, or what she looks like. Not one day goes by that I don't open my eyes and wonder if she has enough to eat or if she's warm enough or even has enough clothes. I wonder if she has a good mom and dad or any other brother's and sisters. All of that is always blazing my mind unless I was as high as a kite...and even then, I still saw her face, or what I dreamed she might look like if I had kept her. I wonder....what does she like to do? What are her favorite things to eat and her favorite shows and places to go. Sometimes I see a little girl wit her family walk by me and I wonder if that's her. I wonder.

So, even if I was attracted to Harry and thought that his plan would work, I knew deep down that I still would be unhappy unless I knew my daughter was safe. But what do I have to offer her, but nothing. I am a loser, and I've been a loser since that day in the hospital, if not before.

FLASHBACK

"Are you fucking crazy girl? You can't keep her. No way, no how! I don't have enough food stamps for another shit!" I hear my mother scream as I hold my baby girl in my arms. I barely hear her as I look down into her big brown eyes as she eats her tiny fist, while staring right back at me. I loved her already, god did I love her even If I was barely 15 years old.

My mother had come to visit me at the hospital when the group home somehow found her to tell her I was in labor, and I was shocked when she walked in, dirty, disheveled and reeking of booze and drugs, and I was shocked they even let her in. I hated her, god did I hate her with a passion and I promised myself I'd never, ever be like her. EVER. I was going to get the hell out of the south bronx and make something of myself.

"You hear me, girl? Are you a fool or what? I said you can't keep her! That nun said she had a good family, and that's where she belongs!"

I look up at my mother now, her eyes hardened as she glares at me. I don't remember the last time she even cracked a single smile or told me that she loved me, but I wasn't giving up my baby. I would raise her just like my grandmother had before I was placed back with mother, and I'd love her and show her every single day that I did. I'd starve myself if I had to to feed her, and I'd steal if I needed to clothe her.

"I'm not giving her up, Mama!" I say as I feel her dry, leather hand across my face, and I blink a few times as I see stars. I was used to this, and I'd get Fannie away from her if it was the last thing I did.

Fannie. I had named her after my grandmother, Frances June, and I called her Fannie for short. I didn't care what my mother or anyone said, Fannie was mine and always would be.

FLASHBACK ENDS

Tears stream harder down my face now as my stomach turns, and I really don't want to work anymore for Warbucks. My heart is too much of a mess, it's too torn and broken and life feels meaningless and worthless. Even that fight I had with my best girl, Lena, has my mind in shambles. I loved her, but I think I really crossed a line with her, and she'd always and forever be Warbucks' favorite, I think as I get off the number two train and head to Kelly Street.

I had to push all that shit out of my brain as I head down a familiar alleyway to an old abandoned church building. The south bronx was my home, and even if I had escaped it I don't think I ever really left. I knew my sister was lurking around here to mostly likely, and maybe even my mother. I probably wouldn't recognize either of them and hell, maybe they wouldn't recognize me either. Sometimes I'd walk down here and see the building I lived in with my grandmother which had turned to ashes during the riots in 77. Now I got no memories of her or that building.

Gabriel was my dealer, and I guess my friend in some sense. I had met him when we were kids and he was only about a year older then I was. Infact his father use to sell to my mother. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

But he was forever mentioning to me about some party he was hosting down here in the old neighborhood. Said I could come anytime, get high, chill and stay for a few days. Of course, I had laughed it off and just paid up as he handed me my usual drugs, but now more than ever, the sound of getting so high that I don't remember a damm ass thing is sounding more appealing to me than ever. Plus, it would give me time to come up with some kind of plan to somehow find Fannie and get her back even if it was damn near impossible even when Warbucks had promised to find her for me.

"Tess!!!!!!!! You made it babygirl!" Gabriel grins as he gets up off of a dusty, old plaid and rancid looking couch with holes and stains on it as I see the springs coming out. The room was clouded with smoke, the floor littered with trash, needles, spoons and old mattresses and I could smell the drugs a mile away as he has the music blasting. Some people are dancing but mostly everyone is high as a kite right now.

"I did Gabe. Just needed to get the fuck out of the city for a bit."

"I hear that. You can hang with me a bit here. Got some new stuff."

"You know I like my usual." I roll my eyes at him for this man was always flirting with me and I couldn't help but laugh at him. He wasn't my damm type at all because I liked my white men and he wasn't that.

"Yeah, I know you do but you gonna wanna try this shit. I got this shit from California. NOBODY got this shit yet. It hasn't even hit the fucking street." He takes out a little baggy showing me what looks like rocks.

"Gab what the fuck is this? Just give my usual I don't have no time for games today. I'm already hot and bothered."

"I will, but I'll take this on. You can me my littler tester."

"So I'm a fucking guinea pig now?" I say with an attitude as I cross my arms as he laughs showing his gold front teeth.

"Nah, but I know you like to get high as fuck. And this shit is a quick high but it's a good fucking high. AND I been telling you for awhile, a good long while that shit you snort, you shoot that shit gets to you faster."

"I don't like needles Gab. I won't do that."

"I know. BUT you like to get high, and shoot that shit between your toes. Nobody will know. But listen, I'm looking out for you. And you like to party. This here is a party Tessy so lets have some fun babygirl. And I'm telling you, try this shit. You won't be sorry." He keeps pushing as I roll my eyes and grab the baggie from him. But little did I know this would start me down the worst path I could ever take and my addiction would take a turn for the worst before it got better.