Sunflowers | GonKillu

Flashbacks x and x whiplash

... I guess I was always like this. Even as a toddler, all i wanted was the love of my family.

"Illu-nii!" I smiled brightly. My hands grabbing for the tall and lanky older boy infront of me. My hands moist with fresh blood, cold merciful blood. Little plump fingers wanted their brothers attention, which I craved.

"... Good job Kill." He placed his larger hands on my tuffed white haired head, slightly grown out near my neck in a innocent matter. Even after committing such a sickening act as killing my.. playdate, a mortifying innocence was painfully present in me, I wanted his praise. His love.

He simply pat my head one last time and walked off. A confused whine escaped my thin lips, naive brain confused by the sudden abandonment. "... Illu-nii don't leave... I don't like dark..." I whined, as if that would make him walk back. Tears threatening to spill out my tear ducts, I whimpered as I sat down, in the mess I made.

"... Illu'nii..." my throat closed down, all alone in the room I was locked in, my brother distantly walking out. Leaving me alone. Like always, another day in solitude to cut out my fear of darkness. I hate being alone.

I gasped as I opened my eyes, chest heaving from the repressed memory from my childhood. I calmed myself, hand gripping at the shirt I slept in that was his. Gon's. Childlike love is broken, a shattered concept ruined by my family as I grew older. More grotesque assignments followed my age, more bodies added to my count. The training became more and more painful as they decided I was old enough, punishments more lasting then before. My innocent desire for my brother to acknowledge my accomplishments turned into a bitter resentment for making me suffer. If they wanted a monster, I was going to be one. Not in the way they wanted though, rebellious blood ran through me despite it beaten into me to obey.

I then stabbed my mother and brother, and leaved that place. I wasn't expecting anything better out in the real world, it was still better out there though then in my home though. If I could call it that. It was more of a prison, like I was locked up and tortured for a crime I did before I was even born. But then... I met him. Gon. Also Kurapika and Leorio. My friends. The ones I traveled with, and through it all is stuck by Gon's side. It wasn't because I felt like it was just fun or anything, it was because I was attracted to his plentiful childhood. Innocent smile. Naive eyes. It all had me in a awe, like he was another being. One I didn't desurve to be around. I envied his optimism and radiating smile that made my heart grow bigger.

Gon showed me that even I had a reason to live, a selfish mindless vessel as myself. I lost myself in my self-hatred,  ripping myself to shreds over not being able to protect Gon. I then had betrayed him. I did what I promised never to do, what I never wanted to happen. I felt such regret and guilt; I tried to end my suffering. I didn't care anymore, I hated myself truly that night. But, Gon saved me. He saved me. I would have died on those tracks that day, but Gon found me good enough to risk himself for to protect. This concept of him being a literal angel was being accepted as a truth now, his being far above me in the heavens. I didn't dare to leave his side, a part of me selfless and wanting to make him happy even at the destruction of myself. I dont matter anyways, I'm in debit to him. He is my first friend, I owe the world to him.

Soon enough, I realized that even this safer world corrupts all it touches in a matter of time. After Kite's death, Gon was loosing himself to the darkness within him. A bitter guilt lined rage swallowed him, leaving his light only a flickering ember in the predatory darkness, trashing and beating at the tiny fire until... it beat it out. Darkness engulfed him as revenge was the only echo in his mind, clouded heavily by pure grief filled rage. I screamed his name, seeing the last moments as the light left his eyes after he did what he needed to. His lifeless body fell to the ground, and I had to carry him on my back to go back for help. His cold unresponsive skin was against mine, one of his arms gone. His long slips black hair hung behind me, as I brazenly carried him back. Later, I saw his body. His hands were in the worst condition, to even when I shattered mine. I only got a glimpse as I got him in intensive care, but they looked scarred and.... helpless.