2-18-22
I have no clue
What I do
I sit around and feel like a clown
I no longer know who or what I am
What I do when no one's around
I couldn't tell you
I have no clue
I wake up
Go to work
Then go where
Where do I go
What do I do
I have no fukin clue
Who am I
What am I
For fucks sake what even is my life
I've lost myself somewhere
Empty
I feel fukin empty
What do I do all day
What even is my life
My phone says I average 6 hours
I don't even know what I do on it
Who the fuck am I
What the fuck do I do
I exist
But why
Why the fuck do I exist
What the fuck is my purpose
I leave work and I drive home
What I do there I have no fukin clue
I sit and vape
No wonder they die so quickly
I waste my time and life away
Breathing in smoke that's slowly killing me
I used to care
I no longer do
I've adopted the attitude of "it is what it is"
What the fuck even is this life
Why the fuck am I here
Why the fuck do I exist
Empty
Fukin empty
I feel so fukin empty
I watch my friends go about and live their life
How the fuck do they do it
What the fuck even is their purpose
Do they even fukin know
What do they know that I don't
What have they figured out that I haven't
What do I do
I have no fukin clue
Sit and vape myself silly
It doesn't even hit me anymore
Why the fuck do I still need the nicotine and menthol
It does nothing
I feel nothing
Empty
I feel so fukin empty
I have no clue
What I do
I leave home and drive aimlessly
Where the fuck does this road go
No where interesting
Nothing is interesting
I feel nothing
My boss says I need to stop letting people walk all over me
But are they walking all over me if I offer them to
If I offer to this and that
Because I have nothing else to do
If I don't fukin do that what will I do
Waste away on the floor
I feel fukin nothing
Movement takes to much effort
Maybe I should fukin die
What's the point of living if I can't find it
But I'm trapped
I'm fukin trapped
I've promised to do things
I gotta do those things now
Can't let anyone down
Can't see the disappointment on their face or hear it in their voice or through the mouth of another
What even is my fukin existence
Why the fuck do I exist
What is my fukin purpose
I live for nothing
And nothing lives for me
I exist
I fukin exist
There's no point anymore
I no longer know who or what I am
I fukin exist
A waste of space
Maybe I should fukin die
Feel pain one last time
Get so high I feel ecstasy one last time before my heart implodes
Watch the blood drip from my fingertips
Onto the cold floor beneath me
But then that would leave a mess for someone else to clean up
I can't do that to them
I can't
So I exist
Feeling nothing
So I'll sit here and vape myself silly
Feeling so fukin empty
I have no purpose
There's nothing here for me
Except for one
But I even feel them slipping away
For fucks sake why am I so clingy
Why am I so fukin broken
They aren't slipping away
You just don't know what to do with yourself
Remember last night when you hung out with your friend
You looked at them then looked around and thought to yourself
"So this is what people do after work"
"This is what they do"
What the fuck is wrong with you
These thoughts
They aren't you
But don't you see
They are me
They follow me
Always with me
Never leaving
Never quiet
Except for those precious times
We hold close
And reminisce about
For fucks sake take your medication
At least then these voices shut up
What the fuck is wrong with you
What the fuck is wrong
Music used to mean something
Now it means nothing
Nothing means anything anymore
Empty
The world is fukin empty
It's better to feel nothing then listen to this
So I'll slip back to that place where I feel nothing
Where I feel so fukin empty
Where I just exist
Where I breathe in and out
Those toxic chemicals my brain says I need
They say
"If you have these thoughts get help"
Bitch I don't need fukin help
Where has anyone ever been when I needed someone the most
Not there
Not there when I needed them the most
It was only me
It will only ever be me
So fuck you and your words of
"It'll be ok"
"There is help you can get"
"There's ways you can feel normal"
You wanna tell me it'll be fukin ok
You wanna tell me there's fukin help
You wanna tell me I can feel fukin normal
Where were you in my darkest moments
Where the fuck were you
Not there
You weren't fukin there
I trusted you I told you how I fukin felt
And you treated me like a prisoner
Follow you around wherever you go
What cause you were afraid I'd off myself
I'd go and find my favourite blade
Fuck no
You were just afraid you'd have a mess to clean up
You were fukin afraid of how it would make you look
You were afraid people look at you and think
"What was happening to make them do this"
"What were you not doing to help them"
They don't fukin know do they
Fukin tell them your lies
Fukin tell them whatever you want
Fukin tell them what you need to to make yourself look good
Tell them what you need to make yourself look like the villain
"They show no respect"
I fukin wonder why
What was there to respect
What
You want me to respect the person who told me how I had to act and look
Who I had to be
So shove your consequences down my throat
Keep shoving cause I won't choke
I refuse to let you break me
I fukin refuse
And look at me now
I'm doing so much better without you
I feel fukin sane
Those other personality's I had
Guess where they are now
They don't exist
I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not
I don't have to hate myself anymore
So fuck you and your fukin ideals
Fuck you and your words of love and hope
There never was any with you
You fukin crazy bitch
So go cry to your friends
Make yourself look like the victim
I don't give a single shit
And I don't feel the need to explain myself to you or anyone
Call it a disorder if you want
I don't fukin care
Cause caring is what gets you hurt
Caring is fukin gay
But if caring is so fukin gay then why
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why do I care for you
You make me fukin whole
You make me fukin sane
I feel when I'm with you
I feel
I fukin feel
Ecstasy
Happiness
Pain
Sadness
I'm feeling
I'm fukin feeling
I may feel empty but not with you
Only on rare occasions do I feel so empty that not even you can make me feel something
But that's alright cause I have you now
And I fukin love you
I don't even know what that means
Oxytocin
Is that what your giving me
These fukin feelings I have for you
I hold onto them so fukin tightly
They are the reassurance that I am indeed capable of feeling
I'm not a fukin pysosiopath
Because I can feel
I'm fukin capable
I can fukin feel
Feel something
Empty
Maybe I'm not so empty
But still
What do I do
We waste our time laying around
Your growing bored
Please don't go
I promise
I'll try harder to be more active
To stimulate your mind
To make you feel
But it's so hard
When the floor calls my name
And movement seems pointless
What even is the point
What is my purpose
Why do I exist
Why
Why
Fukin why
And just what the fuck do I do
Maybe their right
Maybe I'm addicted
Addicted to you
But you make me feel
And I love you
I know what that means
I know what it fukin means to love
I know what love is
It's this feeling you give me
Of absolute unadulterated happiness
This feeling to protect you
Please don't do those things that hurt you
I can't stand the thought of losing you
But this isn't fair
It isn't fukin fair to you
I can't make you be with me all the time
You have to live your own life
I can't control you
Not that I want to either
You are your own person
Your own fukin beautiful person
And I fukin love you for it
For fucks same am I going crazy
I can feel my mind splitting
This all feels fake
Nothing is real
For fucks sake what do I do
Who the fuck am I
What the fuck am I
I have to find out soon
I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I shouldn't have touched those drugs
Weed doesn't hurt my fukin ass
Ever since that trip
I'm fukin broken
But it's a different broken than before
I no longer know who or what I am
I've lost myself
Where did I go
Bring me back
Bring me fukin back
Weed isn't bad my fukin ass
If weed has no issues tell my why is my mind broken now
Why can't I reconnect to reality
Why can't I believe any of this is real
It's all fake
All fake
I'm fake and your fake
All created for my centres enjoyment
Pretty fucked enjoyment if you ask me
Giving me thought and feelings
Maybe if I try hard enough I can go back
Back to ignorance
Back to before I found out this is all fake
Back before the world split into an infinite amount of pieces
What even are these thoughts
It's my soul trying to reconnect to reality
To shit thats real
Make everything that feels fake feel real again
Cycles
Fukin cycles
I go through the same cycles
Every
Fukin
Day
Wake up
Work
Drive
Vape
Sit
Vape
Vape
Vape
Sit
Sit
Sit
Sit
Sit
Drive
Vape
Drive
Drive
Drive
Drive
Sleep
Wake up
Work
Drive
Vape
Sir
Vape
Vape
Vape
Sit
Sit
Sit
Sit
Sit
Drive
Vape
Drive
Drive
Drive
Drive
Sleep
It's the same over and over and over and over again
No wonder I feel empty
No wonder I feel so fukin empty
What is there for me
What does this so called life hold for me
Why do I exist
What the fuck do I fukin do
What do I do
These thoughts
These fukin thoughts
These feelings
These fukin feelings
This smoke
This fukin smoke
But this
This nothingness
This sameness
This cycle
This
This is what I do
- Now to be very clear when I started this this is not what I had in mind for this. Also I am talking about multiple different people. I walk about 3 main people in this. And everyone in general. But the parts where specifically say you over and over I am talking about someone particular in my life. It's confusing of course but it's what this wanted to do so I let it do what it wanted and let my mind speak.
