7-4-23
There's some shit I've been wanting to say
For quite some time now
Yet I've kept my mouth shut
Convincing myself I was being overly sensitive
But yet here I am again
Feeling the same shit I felt before
For fucks sake do you know how long it's been since I've wanted to cut myself because I felt I would never be enough?
Nothing I do is ever right?
That I'm just one big fuck up?
I thought you were different now
You seemed different
But it's the same old shit isn't it?
Your never satisfied with anything I do
I'm always doing it wrong somehow
It has to be your way and your way only doesn't it?
It's always been that way
You can never be happy for me when I am
Naw it's always
"You can't be friends with them"
"I don't like the way they make you behave"
"They aren't a good influence for you"
"You deserve better"
How about instead you say what it really is
You don't like that I became my own person
You don't like that you can't control my every action
Every word that comes out my mouth
The way I do my hair
The way I dress
The people I talk to
You don't like that I'm not your little puppet anymore
You don't like that I'm not giving in
And now I'm living with you again
Trust me
You were my last option
Cause I was afraid it would be this same shit
And guess what
I was right
And trust me
I know that I'm not perfect
I know that I'm not really making anything better
But why try anymore when nothing worked before?
When me giving in
Getting rid of everyone you didn't like
Acting and appearing how you wanted didn't work?
I told you before I came back that I wouldn't be at the house much
And yet your upset I'm hardly there
But can you blame me?
When I feel like absolute shit being there?
Ya know I've never really felt like I belonged with you guys
Always felt out of place
I'm different from you guys
Always have been
And it's crazy to me that you would sit there and tell me
You all wish I was there for you guys
Well
Let me ask this
Where were you when I was at the lowest point in my life?
Where were my brothers as they stood there and listened to you tell me what a piece of shit I am?
Told me to keep messing up and see how far it got me?
While you told me to kill myself?
Told me to keep cutting?
When you knew
KNEW JUST HOW CLOSE I WAS
KNEW THAT I FELT LIKE I WAS WORTH NOTHING
FELT THAT EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPIER WITHOUT ME
Knew just how badly I felt about every little mistake made
But yet
You told me I was a narcissist
That I felt bad for nothing
That I cared for nobody but myself
WHERE WERE THEY
WHERE WERE THEY AS YOU SLAMMED ME INTO THE WALL
AS YOU PULLED ME MY COLLAR AND GRABBED ME BY MY THROAT
AS YOU TACKLED ME TO THE GROUND
HUH?!
WHERE WERE THEY?!
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE
FUCKING WATCHING
THEY STOOD THERE AND WATCHED EVERY TIME
But no
I was the bad guy right?
Cause I didn't just give in?
Tell you you were right?
Yeah sure
There were some things I could've handled better
I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong
Maybe I should've left you alone when I could tell you were getting sick of my shit
Oh wait
You did that to me too
Doesn't make it right
But how did it feel?
Pissed you off didn't it?
Only difference is
You could do something about it
While I just had to sit there in silence and take it
Because if I dared try to defend myself
All of a sudden I'm "talking back"
Bitch that's how a conversation works
Oh how you hate it now that I am fully my own person
And sure
Maybe I am the asshole here
Maybe I'm just acting like a self centered little brat
It is funny though how I was actually able to go without wanting to hurt myself for so long when I wasn't around you
That I didn't feel like shit all the time
How my anxiety dropped
And now it's all back
The thought of going home is once again something that spikes my heart rate
But this is just me being dramatic right?
