3-23-23
I don't know why I'm this way
I really wish I wasn't
Trust me it's one of the things I beat myself up about
I don't know why I can't just be like everyone else and be fine with you watching anime girls or drawing them or thinking about
I'm just to insecure I guess
It's a stupid drawing, it doesn't exist
But it bothers me
I'm afraid you're gonna fantasise about it and jerk off while thinking about her instead of me
I hate that idea and I hate the idea of you thinking about anyone else's naked body
It makes me feel sick genuinely
I don't think of any other guys naked fake or not
You're the only one I want to see or think about in that way
I just wish you'd do the same idk
I know you tell me to grow up
Trust me I wish I could
But I don't know how
Not when it makes me feel this sick and shake when thinking about it
I'm sorry
I really am
I'm sorry I'm ruining your life
I'm sorry I'm so controlling
I don't want to be
I don't mean to be
But how do I make myself ok with it
I can only think of two ways
I either cut myself everytime I get upset about it and tell myself it's fine
Or I become distant telling myself it's fine, it's fine your thinking about other women, it's fine your probably jerking off to them, it's fine it's fine it's fine it's fine
I don't know how to make myself with it
I'm sorry it had to be me you fell in love with
I'm sorry I am now ruining your life
I'm sorry genuinly
