8-1-24
So once again here I am
Trapped in the cage that is my mind
Just when I wanted to write about how I was getting better
About the birds that were singing
The breeze on a warm day
About the way that rain fell so beautifully
And the way everything was brighter
But trapped again here I sit
The colours now dim
No appreciation for the breeze
And no time to hear the birds
Just me and my thoughts
My doubts
My need to be perfect
Inside and out
Just me in this cage with my self hate
Hate for the way my jaw never seems to sit right
Hate for my forehead that has always been to big
Hate for the eyes that have just slightly different shapes
Hate for the nose that seems crooked
Hate for the way I'm skinny
And the way nothing seems to fit quite right
Just me in this cage
The cage that has always been a bit too small but a bit to big
Small in the sense that no matter where I go my thoughts are right behind
Big in the sense that it's always hard to find the exit
But always
It is just me
Hating the way my voice sounds
Hating how I always seem to be too loud
Hating the way I walk
Hating the way I'm slow to understand
Hating the way I am useless
The way I am weak
The way I can't express myself and when I can it is through a screen
And yet still I can not seem to find the right words to express the hate that I hold for myself
Even now it all seems so silly
For why shouldn't I just let it be
Why can't I just be happy with the clothes I have
Or the body I hate
And the mind that never shuts up
It seems to me that these are trivial problems for me to have
Not when there are so many others who have it so much worse than me
Not when there are those I love are hurting themselves
Not when I seem to be too lazy to change
But if I were to list
All the things I hate I'd have a novel
So for now I'll just sit
Once again caged
