3-23-22
Fading
I'm slowly fading
Fading away
Away from myself
Away from the world
I'm like a robot
Do this
Do that
Of course
Right away
Whenever you want
Only time to myself is late at night
I should be sleeping
I work early
I always work early anymore
I work early and get off late
I'm so fukin tired
No energy left for myself
Barely any energy left for my s.o.
I'm sorry mate
I wish I was better
Wish I could match your energy
Wish I could go for as long as you can
I'm sorry I'm so boring
I'm sorry I'm so tired
I'm sorry I have no time
I'm sorry I'm fading
Fading away
I'm a shell of what I once was
All I do is work and sleep
Stay awake late knowing I need to wake up
But those late night hours are mine
But even then they aren't really mine
The entire time I'm telling myself to go to sleep
To sleep so I can have energy to work tomorrow
Sleep so I can have energy to keep going
I'm so fukin tired
So fukin tired
I'm faded
Faded away
I have no energy or will to do anything
Missed a whole term of school
I have no energy or will
My mothers upset
"You we're gonna graduate with honours"
Right I was
But that was before I was put over my own store
A store that was barely surviving
A store surviving on three people
Only two of which were permanent
The other shouldn't even have been there
Called in everyday to bring this shithole back to life
I have no fukin energy
No energy to do anything
But now I lay here
At four in the morning
Can't sleep my mind won't shut up
I'm trying to convince myself
To go through this last week with no complaining
Cause soon I'll be back at my old store
Maybe I'll find myself
Maybe I'll gain that damn energy
Ah who am I kidding
I know I'll use that extra energy on a second job
Cause I have to be responsible
If I want to have my own place
I gotta pay for it all the way
Doesn't matter I'm moving in with other people
I don't see them doing anything to get jobs
Do you
I gotta be the responsible one
Just like always
It falls to me
To carry the team
To carry others
No one's ever gonna carry me
No I've gotta carry me and everyone else
And I'm ok with that I guess
I just need to vent on occasion
Just let me vent
And I'll go at it again
It'll be a while before I vent again
Cause I'll keep reminding myself
That this is my issue
Nobody else's
Mine and mine alone
I put myself in this situation
Might as well deal with it instead of complain
I feel like I complained
But did I complain
Or did I speak the truth
The truth of the fact that my mind is going to shit
That I can't do this
They're putting me back
Back to where I can deal
I look at the work I've done
The progress I've made
The improvements
But somehow
I feel like it wasn't enough
I still feel like I failed
I failed my task
I was supposed to do this all on my own
For years
But I couldn't
And I feel like I failed
Yeah the place is running now
We making business
But I gotta go
Cause I can't fukin handle it
I'm a fukin wimp
A fukin coward
I tried so hard
But I still failed
What the fuck is my issue
Why couldn't I do this simple task
It's not even all that hard
But for some reason I couldn't do it
I fukin hate myself
I hate my life
I see the progress others are making
I'm shit I'm into as well
And I think to myself
"I'll never be as good as them"
"I'll never be able to do it"
Then another voice says
"It's cause you don't practice"
"You put no effort into it"
I know
I know I don't
But tell me
Where am I supposed to find the time
Where am I supposed to find the energy
Where am I supposed to find the motivation
Then I think to myself
"Instead of laying in bed at night doing nothing, go out and practice, put that effort in"
Yeah but where's the energy for that
"There is none, you just have to do it, energy or not"
Right
I'll get right on that
I'll just go ahead and keep fading away
Just to try and keep up with everyone
I don't wanna get left behind
"But you already have"
Oh trust me
I know
I know I'm too faded
I know I'm behind
I know I'll never be able to do it
"Fukin failure"
Trust me
I know
I know better than you think
I know I'm faded
I know I'm long gone
Stupid optimism
Telling me I can come back
That I can catch up
That I can do what everyone else can
It's not even optimism at this point
It's toxicity
Hate myself so I'm aggressive to others
Upset with my progress so I lash out
I'm fukin dangerous
I hurt everything I touch
Your playing with fire messing with me
I'll hurt you to
Eventually
It's what I do
Unfortunately
I wish I wasn't this way
I hate it so much
I've tried to change it
But I don't wanna be numb
I don't wanna be faded
I wanna live again
To feel alive
Not to feel gone
To tell people I'm good and mean it
But I'm so fukin frustrated
I'm sorry for hurting all of you
I never meant to
I don't aim to hurt
Fuck I'm so faded
So I'll start doing the shit I need to do
To catch up to everyone else
To function like a normal human
To seem fine when I'm dying on the inside
Cause it's up to me to fix what's wrong
Besides this is just all fake isn't that what they say
If this is fake then I'm not faded
But fuck you and your it's all fake
Cause the shit I deal with is real
Not faked at all
And trust me
I'm fukin faded
