10-25-21
Here's the thing,
Most people just don't get it,
They don't understand what it's like to live day in and day out wondering why you even bother to live
They don't see the world the way you do
No one believes you when you say how you feel
"You're joking"
"You're lying"
"How is that even possible? I've done my best to make you happy!"
Psh
Like they'd know
Like they'd understand what goes on in your mind
"Just be happy"
"You chose how you react to situations"
"You control how you feel"
Good to know you haven't already tried to "just be happy" to just "change how you feel" because, according to everyone else, you have control over this monster that devours you
You never tell anyone about the screaming in your mind
The voices telling you what a worthless fuck you are
The whispers late at night when everyone else is asleep, telling you to just off yourself
"Do it"
They whisper
"Life will be so much better without you"
Would it though? Would it be better?
"You're just a burden"
"No one wants to have to deal with you and issues"
"No one wants to hear about your issues or what you have to say"
"You"
"Are"
"Worthless"
You try to fight the voices for a while,
Tell them you're not worthless
That the world wouldn't be better off without you
You deserve to be here
The first few nights you were able to ward it off
Convincing yourself that what the voices said weren't true
Only a few nights though
It doesn't help that the voices nag at you constantly throughout the day
What really made you cave though was your own voice,
Hating you along with the rest,
Your voice hurts the most
You, yourself, you are the monster
Your own mind has betrayed you
Your safe place
The one place you had
That you knew, well, thought, would never betray you.
Day after day, night after night, hour after hour, the voices are constantly nagging.
Always picking apart any ideas you have,
Always tearing you down whenever you start to feel good, and even when you don't
Cuts, scraps and bruises appear where no one can see
Wounds from the battle you fight alone
A battle you'll never ask for help
A battle that you are slowly losing
A battle no one can see, not even you
The only evidence lies in your heart, your mind, your soul
And lies in those dark dark nights when your all alone, marking yourself up and shedding your pain through drops of salt and water
The wounds you make help relieve the pain
Sometimes your able to make them without shedding salt and water
Without muttering and whispering for the pain to stop
For it all to just go away
These are the nights when leaving seems so easy, seems so free,
But you can't bring yourself to leave,
Not yet
You will win this battle, you tell yourself
The voices scream in your mind
"You will never win!"
"You're nothing!"
"You don't deserve to stay!"
You fight them for a time,
It's tiring
Oh so tiring
You let them win this time, a few more marks
A drop of salt and water runs down your face
You brush it away angrily
You tell yourself
"Fuckin baby!"
"Only babies cry!"
"You weak piece of shit!"
"What do you have to cry about?"
"What reason is there?"
"None!"
"You have none!"
More tears fall down your face, only aiding in making you angrier
Blood runs down your thighs from multiple cut lines
Lines you made yourself
With the knife you've taken such care of all these years
Sharpened weekly
And cleaned daily
You hardly feel the searing pain anymore
And what little you do feel gives you a deep satisfaction
"That's right"
"You deserve pain"
"You deserve to hurt"
"You deserve to be punished"
"You deserve to bleed"
The fire is gone now,
You've bled all over the floor
Now cleanup begins
Carefully very carefully you destroy the evidence
You wait until your legs stop bleeding enough to put you pants back on
Bandages are for the weak
You wince as the fabric rubs across you fresh cuts and your old cuts
New and old blending to all create pain
Pain you deserve.
Pain you need.
- This is only one of the poems I've written about depression the others are in notebooks if I ever find them I'll post them here
