He Is My Everything

Chapter 2

Dan's POV + Cough Syrup - Glee Cast

I unwillingly drift into consciousness due to the Titan noises coming from the lounge. I pull a face of confusion as I realize that Phil has been up since dawn, again. He's been doing that a lot lately, but he doesn't seem too bothered by it so I don't ask him about it. I quickly pull out my phone to send a playful text to him.

My lighthearted demeanor vanishes instantly as I glance at my bare torso. Phil doesn't know it, but I relapsed last week. I haven't told him because I don't want his sympathy. He is too important to me, and I can't risk turning our friendship into a pity party. It's just that I've been feeling so lonely, worthless, unwanted, depressed. The list of negative feelings go on and on as I wallow in self hatred. My vision blurs as I stand up in front of my mirror and try to count the endless scars over my stomach. Some are new and some are old, and I hate myself even more because I can't stop. I need it.

I realize that I need to put on a shirt before I'm triggered again. Although it feels like I've been standing there forever, it has only been 2 minutes. I wipe the tears out of my eyes before opening my door, being fully woke up by the horrid creak it makes. I ruffle my hobbit hair as I walk out from the hallway and into the lounge.

"You've betrayed me." I chuckle and sit down next to Phil. He doesn't say anything in response, yet we both talk to the animated characters on the screen. We continue on like that for a couple minutes before he finally speaks up.

"We should film a video today. Want to do a Phil Is Not On Fire 5?" He sounds content as his eyes shift away from the TV and on to me. I keep watching the show but nod swiftly to get his attention off of me. I'm so paranoid that I'll slip up. He'll see my scars or sense that something is off about me or find my razors. Phil is always there for everybody that needs him and he doesn't need anymore on his plate.

We continue watching Attack On Titan for a couple more hours but I'm more interested in Phil. The way he still reacts to the show even though he has already seen it. Or the way he smiles at me when I yell at Eren for making a stupid decision. I begin to worry. Is this how normal best friends think of each other? I push the thoughts away as I focus on Phil's form receding into his room. He's probably setting up his tripod, seeing as he asked me to make a video with him. I follow him and tweet out for people to send us questions.

The filming starts and I put on a happy face for the viewers. Our playful banter lightens my mood slightly. The questions get weird, thanks to my Danosaurs and Phil's Phillions. We sing and throw stuff and totally trash Phil's bedroom. I feel like I should stay and help clean up, but as soon as the camera is turned off, I leave and resume my Attack on Titan watching. I pay very little attention to the anime, as someone else has occupied my thoughts. Of course it's none other than AmazingPhil! My mind races with different scenarios about why I can't seem to think of anyone else. Due to my short attention span, my train of thought switches lanes to start thinking of his smile. Although his teeth are crooked, his smile could not be more perfect. Then his hair was the subject of my thoughts. The dark black he has now isn't natural, but I think it suits him really well.

Speak of the Devil, Phil comes walking in with his laptop in hand. He doesn't acknowledge me when he sits down in his sofa crease. I notice that his face is slightly red and whisker free. That makes me cringe as I don't want to imagine the roughness of my washcloth viciously scrubbing at my nose and cheeks. He opens the Macbook and logs onto his Tumblr. I spend my entire life on that site, so I feel no need to look at his dashboard. Our attention falls on to two different things as his tumblr browsing keeps him occupied and the anime maintains my interest.

Apart from the few times he has drawn my attention to a post with a poke or breathy laugh, we don't talk. I'm slightly grateful for that though. I feel guilty about feeling relieved, but not talking means no pressure to keep up my act. After maybe an hour, I see Phil's eyes widen as he scrolls through an unknown tag. My curiosity peaks and I turn to look at his screen. Before I get a clear glance at anything, his hand spazzes out in a frantic attempt to close the window. All I am able to get is the word "Phan" typed into the search bar and a gif of me staring at Phil with the caption, "Heart Eyes Howell". I giggle and turn fully towards him.

"What're you doing there buddy?" I ask through a chuckle. I raise my eyebrow in a joking manner.

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Definitely." Phil fumbles over his words, clearly panicked. Not to mention the voice crack. I decide not to embarrass him any further and just act like I didn't see it. Although, it would surely be funny to hear his explanation.

"Yeah. Sure." I say sarcastically before turning back to Netflix. He quickly shuts off his laptop and places it on the coffee table before giving the show his full attention. All I can think of is how lucky I am to have Phil. He cares for me, I can see it, and that is really just what I need right now. Who else care about me enough to re-watch an entire anime with me?

It's 2 in the morning when we speak again.

"Hey, Dan, I'm going to go lay down." He says quietly, and starts to get up off of the couch.

"Noooo." I whine and reach out for him. We make eye contact before exploding into hysterical laughter at 2 am.

"Sorry, not sorry." He says hurriedly and walks out of the room. I snicker quietly to myself and continue watching my show. The famous anime occupies my thoughts for 2 more hours before I decide that I am going to retreat back into my room. I switch off the TV and run to my room before anything can jump out and attack me. Yes, I know a fear of the dark is childish but think about it! You never know when you'll be ambushed. You can't see the assaulter coming. Absolutely terrifying.

My room is less horrible as I can turn on the light. I look at myself in the mirror and realize that I still haven't washed the cat whiskers off of my face. I decide that a quick 4 in the morning shower is needed. I strip down to nothing in front of the mirror inside our bathroom. Bad idea. My eyes catch sight of my stomach and I feel the oh so familiar lump in my throat start to appear. My vision is fuzzy with tears as I run my fingers over the ugly scars and bumps. I see a drop of water fall in between my feet.

I don't remember reaching into the cabinet under the sink. I don't remember grabbing the small plastic bag that I see very frequently. I don't remember taking a blade out. But I must have done all of that because here I am, standing under a stream of warm water, twiddling the small metal object between my pointer finger and thumb. I look for a clean area on my stomach and to my dismay, I can't find one. My tears are now waterfalls, powerfully streaming down my face joined with water from the shower head. I glance again at the blade before bringing up to my right wrist. I make one small cut across before deciding that it's too risky. I can't gamble with my chances of Phil, or anyone for that matter, finding out. I move down to my hip bones and start there. There is enough room to appease my need for it.

I wash my the rest of my body and by the time I step out of the shower, the bleeding has stopped but the tears have not. I quickly get dressed in boxers and a baggy T-shirt before tugging my blankets all the way up to my neck. I am ashamed. I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself. I don't know what it is that makes it so addicting but I wasn't able to resist.

I fall asleep hating myself more than I ever have before.

-AUTHOR'S NOTE

So were are planning to upload a chapter every Monday and Thursday! Phil's chapters will now go up on Thursdays and Dan's on Mondays. Hope you like the story!