He Is My Everything

Chapter 20

Dan's POV + Lullabies - All Time Low

Has anyone else ever had that moment where your entire world shatters. Like everything is perfect until one person says one thing. That pain describes a miniscule amount of the pain I felt a month ago and still feel today, the day of Adrian's funeral. It felt like my heart and all other internal organs had been filled with water. There was a terrible choking sensation. I couldn't breathe knowing that Adrian wasn't breathing the same air, or any air. I was struggling for oxygen, gasping as I fell to my knees and dropped my cell phone. As I sat having the worst panic attack I've ever had, Phil had picked up phone and talked to the doctor.

Adrian, my baby brother, has killed himself. Suddenly, all memories I had with him came flooding back to me. One of my personal favorites was when Adrian was 7 and had gotten his first bike for Christmas. Since there was snow coating the ground outside, we decided it would be a good idea for him to ride it on our hardwood floors in the kitchen. Him and I played around for a few hours before the inevitable finally happened. Adrian had been rounding a corner when he slipped and fell off of the bike. His leg got caught under the bike and his head smashed into a cabinet. Fearing the wrath of our parents, I cleaned him up and comforted him until he fell asleep in my lap.

That memory sticks with me all the time, especially now. He was so little, yet he was able to pull through all of that pain. I don't understand why he couldn't have made it through all of the pain this time. I don't know what was so wrong in his life, but I need answers. I don't want to know why he did this, I need to know. I am positive I won't be able to sleep, or eat, or function at all until I know why my baby brother took his own life.

I've barely moved since I found out. I crawled to my bed and I rarely leave. Phil brings me food, but I just disregard it. I have grown so skinny that my ribs are starting to poke out. Every time Phil is in here he tries to entice me to eat, but other than that, he leaves me be. I think he knows that this time, I won't be able to get over it so quickly. Well, he left me alone a lot, until yesterday evening, when I hit a personal low.

Yesterday at about 3 in the morning, I walked into Phil's room with tears streaming down my face. Pathetically, I prodded at him until he awoke.

"Dan, why are you awake? Are you okay?" He had asked me while rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and leaning back on his elbows.

"I just, um, I need a f-favor." I had stuttered out, wiping my tears away. I already knew I wasn't going to get my favor, but I might as well try, right?

"Oh, ok. What do you need?" Phil had sat up all the way, legs now hanging off of the side of the bed. He is so innocent in replying. He is ready to meet my needs, but little does he know what I am about to ask for. Well, here goes nothing.

"I need my blades." I added nothing more to my sentence. No more explaining had to be done. It was as simple as that, I need my blades. There was no hesitation before Phil replied.

"No. We can find a better way to help you get through this." At his statement, I completely broke down. My knees gave out and I fell to the floor. There is no better way! The best way would be for him to give them to me and let me kill myself. I want to be with Adrian.

"Phil you don't understand! I need them! It's not fair, they're mine and I should get to have them. It's not fair! I don't want to be here, I need an escape! Please, I just need a release. I need them..." I had trailed off, sobs overcoming my desperate pleas. Phil had dropped to his knees. He tried to put his arms around me, but I pushed him away. A look of hurt had taken over his features.

"Dan, I'm just trying to help. Cutting isn't good for-" I cut him off I didn't want to hear anymore, nor did I need to. He doesn't know what is best for me! I know what is best for me, yet when I told him he denied me.

"I don't want your help!" At this point, I had composed myself enough to be able to stand up. I quickly walked out of his room, not wanting to look at him anymore. I know that I am being harsh, but I don't care anymore.

But, that was yesterday. Right now, I am standing in front of my mirror, observing the tuxedo I have to wear to Adrian's funeral. We leave in 10 minutes, and I haven't spoken to Phil. I do regret what I did. Mostly because I hurt Phil's feelings, but also because all of the commotion scared Greta practically to death. She had cowered underneath Phil's bed as I had my mental breakdown last night. I walk out of my room, not ready to face the world. As soon as I see Phil, I break down in tears and throw myself to him.

"I-I'm s-so sor-ry." Sobs wrack my body as I cling to his skinny frame. I love him too much and I was a total dick bag to him last night.

"I understand, I love you." He holds me tight and kisses the top of my head. We hold each other for a little while longer before I am forced to pull away. Today is just full of things that I don't want to do.

"We-we're going to be l-late." My voice cracks several times as the deep sorrow fills my body. Phil nods before taking my hand and leading me into the car. I sit in the passenger seat and Phil starts the hour long drive to the funeral home.

I can't walk in. As soon as I see the building I know that I can't go in there. My brother is in there. My deceased baby brother is in there. He's gone, and he is never coming back. My hands start to shake. My breathing turns shallow. Tears form in my eyes. I am left with two questions.

Why me? Why Adrian? It isn't fair. This shouldn't have happened to him. This shouldn't happen to anyone. Phil notices my panic after he has parked the car, and he grabs both of my hands.

"Dan, I know you don't want to, but we have to go in there." I just nod, I know we have to. We step out of the car silently. I don't want to face my family. I'm not sure I can talk in full sentences yet. We walk in to see everyone milling around, hugging my parents. I make eye contact with my mom, and for a moment, she looks almost...disgusted. Why would she look at me like that? The second glance I make at her, her look has softened. Phil leads me over to them.

"Hi, mum." I say before she pulls me into a hug. I can see Phil shaking my dad's hand.

"Hello, Daniel. I've missed you so much." She pushes me away only to hold me at an arm's length away. She gives me a sympathetic look.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She just sighs and pulls me off into a corner.

"Dan, I have bad news." She stops after that. I raise my eyebrows, urging her to continue. "Well, we found out why Adrian...did this to himself." She pauses.

"Well what are you waiting for? Tell me." Her teary eyes look at floor before meeting mine again.

"Adrian did this because of your fans."