He Is My Everything

Chapter 5

Phil's POV + Heroine - Sleeping With Sirens

As soon as the words leave my mouth, regret fills every part of my body. I shouldn't have opened my stupid mouth.

He doesn't love you. He's too good for you. Have you ever looked at yourself? You're nothing compared to him. Do you know how unattractive you are? Have you ever seen yourself?

Dan just stares at me for a few moments while I patiently await my rejection. I know he doesn't love me. Why would he? He opens his mouth and I lean forward with the little hope I still have. My blue eyes stare wide at his dark brown. They were so beautiful, when the light hit them correctly, a golden ring appeared around his pupil.

"Phil, I-I don't know what to say. I, um, I-" Dan fumbles around his words, stopping mid-sentence. He looks around, almost panicked.

I knew it. He would never love me. I love him so much and he'll never love me back.

My small smile droops and I look down. Tears begin to well in my eyes.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. This is what Dan wants. I have to accept his decision. I want him to be okay. He'll be okay without me. He might even be better.

I hold back my tears when suddenly Dan's soft, heartwarming voice fills my ears once again.

"Phil, I-I think I love you, too. But I can't be in a relationship right now. I just don't know how I could possibly manage to take care of both of us when I can barely take care of myself. I'm really sorry, I feel the same way but, I'm just not stable. And if I go down, I'm not taking you with me." A few drops of water fall from my eyes at what I just heard. Dan loved me, but he'd felt so bad about existing, that he didn't want to drag me down, too.

I pick out my next words carefully. "You don't have to take care of both of us. I know how hard everything must be on you right now, so you focus on getting better. I'm not saying we have to be together, but at least let me try to help. I really do love you, Dan, but you have to let me in so you can get better. Please." After I speak, Dan shows a face of sadness and dread. I can't help but let my heartache show. Tears fall freely from my eyes in many small droplets.

"Phil, you aren't getting what I'm trying to say. I'm contagious. Sadness is the worst thing I have ever felt, and to put that burden on you would be just another reason to hate myself. Just get out while you can, Phil. Depression is a disease and if I watched it slowly erode you into nothing, I couldn't live with myself." The liquid becomes heavier and falls in larger amounts. Dan reaches a hand up and wipes the sorrow off my face. His hands are delicate and soft when he caresses my face.

I want to take all of his burdens and throw them out my window. I want him to have happiness fill every cut on his body. I want him to know that I can help. I want him to be happy.

Dan's eyes remind me of the cuts on his ribs. Filled with stories I'll never know. Depression I'll never understand. Burdens I wish to lift off his shoulders.

"Hey, before we decide where to go next, can I do something?" My voice is shakey, but it isn't as bad as it was before. My eyes still hurt and my lungs burn.

Dan looks at me with confusion. "I-I don't know if trying something new would be the best option for me right now."

"One time thing. I promise."

Dan let out a small sigh. "What do you want to do?"

Ready, self? This is going to go wrong, but what do I have to lose?

I take in a deep breath before leaning in and kissing Dan. I put my hand on the back of his neck, deepening both of us into the kiss. Surprisingly, Dan doesn't pull away. His lips are smooth, much like his hands. I feel butterflies fill my stomach as I realize what was happening. I pull away, ashamed for not asking Dan first. I scratch at the back of my head and looked down.

"I-I'm sor-rry Dan. I sh-hould've as-sked you..." I trail off, becoming quieter with each word.

"Phil, I, uh, I think I should g-go back to my room." Dan's voice barely squeaks out as he chokes down cries.

"Ok. I'm really sorry, Dan. I'd understand if you don't want to be around me." I pull a blanket over my head.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. My brain yells at me. I cover my face with my hands. I knew I shouldn't have done anything. I ruined what little chance I had of being with him. I look back over to my doorframe and I see Dan standing there with his head down.

"I'm not saying that I liked it, but I wouldn't necessarily mind if you kissed me again..."

I look up at him, confused. "Are you asking me out?"

"Well I, uh, I just thought um, well no," Dan's cheeks flush red and he fumbles around with his hands, bumping into the door frame, "I was just saying t-that I wouldn't complain if you were to k-kiss me, for a s-second time."

With that in mind, I get up from my current position on my bed and walk over to him. I grab him by the waist and kiss him again, guiding him loosely into the hall. I push myself forward just enough to have him pinned against the wall.

I pull away for a moment to speak, but I leave my hands on his waist. Dan looks at me with wide eyes.

"What? You said you wouldn't mind."