He Is My Everything

Chapter 8

Dan's POV + Hold On Till May - Pierce The Veil

After completely cleaning up room, I sit down on my bed with Phil right beside me. I take a deep breath and turn on the camera. As soon as I see the red light that signals the camera has started recording come on, I need to take another breath. I don't want to have a panic attack on film.

"Um, hello internet," I begin the video, definitely not sounding as cheery as my normal videos, "so I guess I should tell you what has been going on lately. I'm sure that most of you know, I haven't uploaded a video, or posted on twitter, or instagram. I think it's only fair that I give you guys the honest truth, so here it is." I take another shaky breath and start to fiddle with my fingers. Phil has to jump in before I get too nervous to continue.

"It's okay, Dan. Your viewers will support you no matter what." I turn towards him and flash a small smile before continuing my video.

"I don't know if any of you guys have stalked me back far enough to know that when I was 17, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I was just so upset all the time and I didn't leave my house. I just wanted to not be alive. I felt that suicide was the only answer. Fortunately, I had enough common sense to not kill myself. But, I did start to self harm," my voice cracks right when the words 'self harm' leave my mouth. Immediately Phil pulls me into an embrace, comforting me. I thank him before beginning again.

"Lucky for me, when I was 18 I made a new friend. We eventually grew closer, and as we did so, he slowly pulled me out of my depression. That friend, is AmazingPhil." I turn and smile at, seeing tears forming in his eyes and I already know my tears are about to fall down my face.

"So for the next 4 years I maintained a pretty good life, only slipping up a couple of times. Until recently. Last week, I relapsed." My tears are released from eyes and cascade down my face. Phil puts his arm around my shoulders and I lean into him gratefully. Although that will make the Phandom crazy, I really need someone to hold me right now.

"I got so much worse that-" I have to stop for a minute, regain my composure, "that yesterday, I-I tried to kill myself." I see Phil's eyes widen as he didn't even know that. My breath is jaded as the tears start to come faster.

"I just, I feel so alone. I feel like I don't make a difference. I'm not worth anything. My life is meaningless, I have no purpose. Everyday I'm alive, just feels like a day in Hell. I don't want to be here, I don't need to be here. I hate myself. I don't like the way I look, the way I act, everything about me is fucked up. I j-just don't know what to d-do. I'm covered in scars. My body has payed the price for my mistakes. If I was ugly before, I'm hideous now. The ridges and lines and bumps just make me hate myself even more. I don't deserve m-my life. I don't deserve my f-fans. I don't deserve anything. I am a worthless human being. Do you want to know how many times I've s-screwed up?" My voice gets slightly angry as I grab the camera off of the tripod and storm over to the mirror. Before I film anything, Phil puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Dan, you don't have to do this. Those scars are really personal and I don't want you to do anything that you'll regret." The genuine concern on his face bring a smile to mine.

"Don't worry, angel. I want this. I need to confess." My nickname for Phil clearly surprises him as he looks confused before his cheeks become a rosy color.

I bring the camera up to my mirror but I set it down on top of the wardrobe. My hands shake as I pull my jumper over my head. When I look in the mirror my breathing hitches. There are so many and my wrists aren't even unwrapped yet. I pick the camera back up and point it at the mirror.

"These are my mistakes. It would take too long to tell you the story of every single one, but just know that I'm terribly sorry. Oh, I almost forgot my arms." I look at Phil and he gets the message to unwrap my wrists from the medical bandages. He takes them in his hands, despite them being coated in blood. I point the camera at each wrist individually before pointing it back at the mirror. "These are my flaws, I hope you never have to see them again."

Phil and I walk back to my bed as I still need to explain the most critical point of this video. I place the camera back on the tripod and slip a shirt over my head before sitting next to Phil.

"So the main reason I'm making this video is to tell you all that I'm taking a break from YouTube. Only for a little bit, but Phil and I have agreed that leaving for a short while is what's best for me. And right now, I'm really sorry guys, but I need to put myself first. Alright, so I hope to see you Danosaurs later. Bye." Tears are streaming down my face by the end. I'm paralyzed in sadness as I realize what I'm about to do. Phil gets up and turns off the camera, picking it up and setting it onto my desk.

Before I can say anything to him, Phil comes and wraps his arms around me.

"What was all of that 'I'm worthless' about?" He ask softly while pulling away slightly, I knew he would want an explanation.

"I-I just feel like n-no one needs me. I serve no purpose. I could be gone and no one would notice. So that thought gets me thinking that maybe life would be easier for everyone else if weren't here, and that's what triggers me." I say it in all one breath, willing my tears to stop. I've cried so much these past few days that I'm convinced my body is dehydrated.

"Dan, you're the most important thing to me. I need you to be here. I love you, please know that I need you." His words are everything I needed to hear right now. He's perfect. I don't know how he does it, but he always manages to brighten my mood.

"You know what, Phil? Sometimes I think that you're an actual angel. You're so perfect in every way that I think it is physically impossible for you to be human." I lighten the mood as I joke around with him.

"So is that where the nickname came from?" His laughs are music to my ears. My phil is happy, that's all I care about. It's all I can think about right now, he's happy and it's partially my doing.

"Yeah, but if you don't like it I can change it!" I'm quick make sure his happiness is maintained.

"You can call me that, I think it's cute." He smirks at me and brushes my fringe out of my eyes with his fingers. A blush rises to my cheeks. Phil has me wrapped around his finger, he knows it, and he's using it to his advantage.

He leans into kiss me and I gladly accept the gesture. When I go to wrap my arms around his waist, a stinging pain shoots through my wrist. I forgot that my arms weren't wrapped anymore. I pull away from his intoxicating lips to grab his hand and lead him to the bathroom.

"We forgot to re-bandage my arms," I smile shyly before continuing my thought, "will you help me again?"

"Of course." He nods and this time he grabs my waist to lift me up onto the sink. I giggle as his cute behavior is very amusing. He digs around under the sink for a few minutes before he pulls out two new wraps and antibacterial wipes.

"Nooo! That stuff stings!" I whine and pull a pouty face by sticking out my bottom lip. He quickly stands up and catches my lip between his. As his lips are about to slide off of mine, he bites down gently. He then pulls away with my bottom lip between his teeth. This is incredibly hot. Phil lets my lip go before looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes.

"I don't care."