He Is My Everything

Chapter 24

Dan's POV + Skinny Love - Birdy

Phil unwraps my new tattoo and stares at it in awe. He flicks his gaze between my eyes and the tattoo for several minutes before finally speaking.

"A-are those my initials?" Tears form in his tired eyes.

"Well, *hiccup*, your name is Phil,*hiccup*, Lester isn't it?" I chuckle once again and lean into Phil's welcoming embrace.

"I don't know what to say." The tears escape from his eyes and run down his cheeks freely. I just snuggle further into him, praying that he won't look to the left. Soon enough, we both nodded off in each others arms. This is how it should be.

In only a few hours I'm awoken by a kiss placed on my forehead. Unwillingly, I open my eyes. Phil is leaning over me and peppering kisses all over my face. I groan in response. My head is absolutely killing me.

"Hangover?" I just nod. "Hold on, I'll go get you some medicine." Phil jumps out of my bed and walks to the kitchen. In his absence, I quickly take the box off of my nightstand and shove it under my bed. Yes, I'm ashamed that I took it, but just because Phil is back doesn't mean that I'm completely fine. Phil walks back in with a glass of water and two pills sitting in his hand. I take the medication and set the cup back down on my bedside table, in place of the box.

"Thanks." I smile up at him and lay back down on my bed. He follows suit, interlacing his hand with mine.

"So, are we okay now? Because I'm not mad at you, but I never really had a right to be in the first place." He the starts to play with my fingers, a nervous habit. His question takes some time to process. Am I mad at him? I was pissed when he left, but being alone has given me some time to think.

"Yeah, we're okay." Lies. I couldn't be in a worse state than I am now. He lets out a huge sigh of relief and I suddenly feel guilty for lying.

"Okay, good because I thought-" Phil is cut off by his phone ringing. He looks at the caller ID before accepting the call. He gives a few short answers before turning back to me. "Do you think that you're well enough to go to the radio show?" I shake my head no and then groan at the movement of my aching skull. Phil then goes on to explain how I'm not feeling well. After a few more minutes, he hangs up and gets off the bed.

"What's going on?" I ask, hoping that he has to leave.

"The radio station needs me to come in. It'll only be two hours I promise. I love you." He says while putting on his coat and then leaning over to kiss me. After putting on his shoes, he waves at me and then leaves. I wait to hear the door shut before moving. Now that he is gone, I can do what I've wanted this entire time.

First step - The Video

Quickly, I set up my camera and start recording. I'm not going to have time to edit, so I have to do this perfectly in one take. My tears start before the camera is even on. I press the button and then sit down on my bed.

"Hello Internet, I guess you can tell by my current state this is not going to be a very happy video. So as some of you may know, I've been struggling with depression for quite some time now. Recently, it has worsened by a lot. My little brother, Adrian, killed himself. I'm sure you all know that though, because it was your fault!" I'm full on screaming at the camera by this point. Tears are pouring out of my eyes at an alarming rate. "If you guys would've kept your mouths shut, or respected my privacy like I asked, none of this would be happening! You just had to go and tell him that he was nothing compared to me. Well you're wrong. We're the same, considering that I'm about to follow the same path that he took. I'm going to cut to the chase here, if you're seeing this video, I've killed myself. This has been coming for a long time now, so don't feel guilty. This is what I want, what I need. So I guess I should be going now." I wipe the tears off of my face before finishing.

"Goodbye Internet."

I shut off the camera before completely breaking down. I can barely see through the veil of tears clouding my vision. But time is precious, so I just set the camera neatly on my desk and begin the next step.

Second step - The Note

Quickly, I pick up a piece of paper and a pen. I hope Phil can read my messy handwriting, it'll be even harder than normal considering the tear blotches that will fill the page.

Dear Phil,

I love you. I just thought that I should start off that way so you don't think that this is your fault. We both knew this was coming. I just can't live with myself. I hate every aspect of myself. You were my good half. Everything you did just made me love you more. I think that my suicide was bound to happen, Adrian's death is just what pushed me over the edge. It doesn't help at all that it was my fault that he killed himself. I need to see him.

Ever since the funeral, I haven't been okay. You know that already, but it got worse, it got so much worse. So I'm just going to ask that you show these next certain sections to the people they are addressed to. And please upload the most recent video shot on my camera. You'll know which one. Please title it "Goodbye Internet". Thank you.

To my parents - I'm sorry. I know that losing one child must have been hard enough. I can't even imagine losing two kids. I know that makes me sound selfish, but I need this. You always told me to do what is best for myself, and I think that this is best for me. It always has been. You've been amazing parents, thanks for teaching me the ropes.

To Pj and Chris - Hey guys. You've been amazing. Even though you weren't too familiar with my situation, you guys helped an unimaginable amount. But sadly, nothing is ever enough for me. I just wanted to say that you guys have been the best friends I could ask for. I'm sorry that it had to end this way, but this is just what is best for me right now. I knew that I would end this way, now everyone else just needs to accept it. I love you guys.

To my angel - I'm so sorry. You can do whatever you want with this note and all my stuff. I didn't exactly write a will, so just distribute it how you see fit. I love you more than you will ever know. You kept me alive for the last 6 years, and I can't thank you enough for that. I'm trying to keep this short so my tears don't ruin the paper. Just know that I love you. Well I guess this is the end.

I love you,

Dan Howell

P.S. - Don't forget me :P

Now the last step. Probably the easiest out of all of them. I glance at the clock to see that I have half an hour before Phil will be home. Perfect.

Third step - Suicide

I trudge over to my bed and get down on the floor. I stick my arm underneath the bed and pull out Phil's memory box. Once again I try to pry it open. Of course I am unable to get it open. I throw it on the ground in frustration. To my luck, it breaks open. I run over and grab my blades off of the pile of pictures and papers. For a split second, my eyes lock with my 18 year old self in the first picture Phil and I ever took together. My brain breaks completely as I start to think of what my younger self would think of what I am doing now.

It doesn't matter. Just do it. You're worthless anyways, no one will miss you. The unwelcoming voice of depression urges me to just cut, and I do. Vertically. So now I will cut my vein completely, and bleed out.

Bleeding isn't fast enough. Get the pills, too. I obey the voice in my head and stagger into the bathroom. It feels nice to finally do what it says, rather than push it down like I did for 6 years. I open the medicine cabinet right as my vision goes blurry. Losing some control of my body, I knock almost everything out of the cabinet and collapse to the ground. Frantically, I grab the first pill bottle I see and pop it open. I pour an unnecessary amount into my hand, spilling almost all of them in the process. I swallow them all. Tears race down my face and I can't imagine how pathetic I look. With my slit wrists and tear stained face, surrounded by pills and pill bottles.

My vision starts to fade to black as I hear a door slam. I can hear Phil call out to me, but I can't make out an words. The last thing I see is Phil opening the door with tears streaming down his face. He gasps and falls to my side. I use up all my remaining strength utter four words.

"I'll miss you, Angel."