He Is My Everything

Chapter 3

Phil's POV + Loveless Wrists - Bayside

I wake up, but I keep my eyes close, contemplating in my head whether or not I should get up. My eyelids open slowly to check what ungodly hour I have woken up at today. The clock's lights show 7:23.

That's a little better than yesterday. Five hours of sleep, that sounds unhealthy. I think quietly to myself. I should try to get to sleep earlier tonight. I need to get my sleep schedule on track.

Since its still fairly early, I decide to stay in bed. I pick myself up off the bed and begin folding the four blankets I had. After cleaning my bed and room up, I lay back down. 8:08. That took 40 minutes? I make a mental note that I will leave my room at 8:30. The whiteness of the ceiling above me helps me think. It's like a whiteboard that I can draw my thoughts out on. On it I draw Daniel. I write out a plan. I need him to help me understand what I feel about him. My mind currently can't tell if I love him as family or as a partner.

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of quiet footsteps. Dan must be awake. I slowly exit my room, making almost no noise as I walk through the hall.

"Hey, Dan." I greet him with. He jumps slightly. I notice he is boiling water. He quickly pulls his long sleeves down over his hands and holds them there. "Making some tea?"

"Yeah, I was before you gave me a heart attack!" Dan says back to me, putting a hand on his chest. I sit in the kitchen with him, making small talk to keep him company.

Dan speaks, breaking the small silence, "You want some, Phil?" His voice filled my ears and consumes me. With every word, I love his voice more and more.

"I'd love that." That's what I said, but I really mean I love you. I know by now what I am feeling is definitely love. He pours two cups, one for me and one for himself. Grabbing his cup, he exits the kitchen and grabs his laptop. It is clean of stickers, unlike mine, but he likes it like that. We both sit in our usual couch positions and I retrieve a book to read. I really got the book out so I could look over it at Dan.

He reaches over to the coffee table to get his mug and I see a small mark. It couldn't be. No, he would never. I dismiss the sight and blame it on my lack of sleep. Then, he reaches again and it is still there.

What do I do? Should I say something? I can't cry now. It'll be fine. Dan will be okay. He has to be. I don't know what'd I do if he wasn't. I need him to be okay.

My thoughts race as I assume the worst. I need to say something. What though? I don't want to make it worse. Please be okay Dan. I wipe tears from my eyes, trying to not be noticed, but I fail at it.

"What's wrong, Phil? Why're you crying?" Dan looks at me with sorrow in his eyes. Should I ask him? I'm going to.

"Dan," I sniffle and wipe my eyes again, "have you ever self harmed?" I look him dead in the eyes, tears now filling his and mine.

His tears ran down his face fast and he puts his head into his hands.

"I-I just don-n't know what I'm going t-to do." Dan chokes out, stuttering through his words. He starts sobbing, so I sit nearer to him and put my arms around him.

"You're going to be okay, Dan. We'll work this out together." I wipe my face, wet with tears. I need to help him. "Why?"

Dan looks up at me, his eyes are red and filled with sadness. I can't bare to look at him anymore, so I look down at the mark on his wrist. "I feel so lonely all the time. I feel like nobody cares about me. I'm never asked 'Are you okay, Dan?' or 'What's wrong?'. I've gotten so good at hiding my emotions because nobody would care anyways." His cries grew louder and it feels like my heart is being ripped out. "And to think, I was almost a month clean." Dan's words hit me like a car crash. It shatters me to know that all of the times Dan needed me, I wasn't there.

"Dan," I began to look up at him again as I speaks, "I care about you. I care a lot. This is all my fault. I'm sorry I hadn't been there for you. Please try to stop. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll walk over 1000 miles of broken glass barefoot if it means you'll be okay. I need-" My words are cut off by Dan pulling me into a tight hug.

"This isn't the only one." Dan says, lifting his shirt. It reveals a meadow of sadness, his stomach lined with red marks. I scan his body, analyzing all that I had missed. These are the stories I haven't been told. I see many scars littered among the fresh wounds.

He drops his shirt back down and I bring my hands up to my face. Tears fall all over my face, wetting my hands.

"I'm sorry, Phil." Dan was looking down at his lap. He looks ashamed of what he'd done to his body. Like he regretted it. "You weren't supposed to see any of this."

"Dan, can you give me your blades?" I know it's a lot to ask of him. From the looks of things, this is his coping mechanism.

He looks up at me confused. His eyes are still red, but no tears occupy them. "Why?" Dan questions to me.

I pause before speaking, "Because next time you want to, you'll have to talk to me about it." I attempt to make my voice smooth and soft to comfort him more, but it comes out jagged from my crying.

Dan gets up slowly, his head hanging down. He walks out of his room, me following close behind. In the small cabinet under the sink lies my new enemy. Inside a small bag carries a variety of different sized blades. I take the bag from Daniel's hands and observe the contents. I grab his arm, careful not to touch his cut.

I guide him into my room, pulling out a small lock box I keep around. The small key turns to unlock the box. Inside I have the first picture Dan and I have ever taken. I also have notes my family has written to me and tickets from old concerts I went to.

"What's this?" Dan sniffles, tilting his head slightly.

"I like to keep memories in here. It's the only box I have with a lock though, so it'll have to do." I carefully place the bag into my lock box and shut it. The small key fits into my pocket. I'll hide it later, when Dan's not in the room. I push the box under my bed and lay down on the mattress. Dan does too, with only a few inches separating our bodies.

"Do you really care that much about me?" Dan says, turning onto his side to look at me.

I turn as well. "Of course I do, Dan." I meant everything I had said today, but I still have one thing left.

You can do this Phil. You'll be okay. This will all work out. Probably. Maybe.

"Hey, Dan." I speak hesitantly. It's too late to back out now.

"What?" Dan's voice is smooth again. His tears had stopped.

Come on Phil.

"Would it be weird if I said I love you?"