He Is My Everything

Chapter 22

Dan's POV + Flashlight - Jessie J

I lied. I said I would get through it, but I can't. No matter how hard I try, I am always sucked back into the overwhelming emptiness. If I thought I was broken before, the what am I now? I just miss him so much. Too much. I can't function. I can't live without Adrian. His death was the straw that broke the camel's back. His death was the straw that broke me.

I think Phil has given up on me, and I don't blame him one bit. After all, it has been 2 months since his funeral. I haven't done anything. I barely eat, I barely move, I barely talk. Phil used to come in and check on me every hour, but now I'm lucky to see him twice a day. He used to notify me whenever he had to go out, but now all I have is the faint echo of the front door slamming. I was the straw that broke him.

Another echo surrounds the apartment as I am, not for the first time today, being told that Phil is going out. Perfect. I wait several minutes before getting up and peeking out of my room to make sure that he is actually gone. He is. I walk across the hallway and into his room. My knees hit the floor as I stick my arm underneath his bed. Finally, my hand hits something hard, and I pull it out into my sight. His box. Now for the hard part.

I stand up, setting the box on his bed and commencing the search for the key. I look everywhere and I can't find it. Where could he possibly have put it? I know that Phil will be home soon, so I resort to trying to pry it open with my hands. No matter how hard I pull, I just can't get it open.

"Dan? W-what're you doing!" Phil's frantic voice fills my ears as he runs over and grabs the box from my hands. A mortified look crosses his face before it is replaced by a mix of disappointment and sympathy. He knows perfectly well what I was trying to do, he just doesn't want to accept it.

"Of course you showed up! It's been awhile!" I stand up and scream at him. He can't ignore me and then all of the sudden show up and act like he cares. I won't let him. It isn't fair to me.

"Stop, Dan! You can't yell at me for losing hope. What was I supposed to do! I tried everything and what did you do? Nothing! Absolutely fucking nothing!" His angry voice scares Greta, causing her to run behind me.

"Okay, I see how you feel. So right now I think that you should go. It's what you do best, anyways." My voice is calm as I pick up Greta and hold her to my chest. Phil glares at me before storming out of his room and out of this apartment. The tears start quickly. My feet carry me into my room. As I sit down, Greta finds a comfortable spot on my lap and lays down. I see my tears start to wet down her fur. Tiredness overcomes me as I lay down with Greta by my side. It doesn't take long for sleep to take me in.

***

The brightness coming from my window is unbearable. Due to the events of yesterday, I'm not sure that I even want to be awake right now. It's like a hangover, but the night before was not carefree and fun. Greta is still snoring lightly beside me. Unfortunately, I have to wake her for breakfast. She runs ahead of me and into the kitchen, politely sitting by her food bowl. Adrian would've loved her. They would have been the best of friends.

Stop. Don't think in the past, think of now.

I fill up her bowl and make myself coffee. Phil isn't here, and he left no note. I should be concerned, but I'm not. Phil can handle himself. I finish up my breakfast begin to wash up my dishes. The familiar scratching at the door starts, signalling that Greta needs to go outside for a bathroom break. I sigh and pick up her plain black leash, attaching it to her collar.

We walk down the stairs and out of the door. I bring her around behind the apartment, only to be met with some fans.

"Hi, Dan!" The 3 girls squeal at me, making me immensely uncomfortable.

"Um, hello." I half smile at them, hoping that they will just walk away after a picture or an autograph. I am really not in the mood to talk.

"Would you mind taking a picture with us?" The shortest one asks me. So far this is going as hoped for.

"Not at all." I flash the most genuine smile I can muster while they start to position themselves. We take a couple good ones and they tell me a bit about their friend that isn't here before they ask the dreaded question.

"So where's Phil?" Innocent faces smile up at me, not knowing how the topic of Phil has become unwelcomed by me.

"Oh he has just gone out to run some errands, now not to be rude but I really must be going now! Bye girls, nice to meet you!" I quickly turn away and take Greta back into the apartment. As soon as I enter, several weights are dropped on my chest. Metaphorically of course. Phil is missing, and I have no idea where he is. Greta must have sensed my distress or whatever dogs do because suddenly she is on her back legs, pawing at my jeans.

I bend down to her level and pet her softly. She climbs into my lap, snuggling against my stomach. I continue petting her for hours, not knowing what else to do with my life. Without Phil, everything seems so empty. It's like without Phil, I don't have a purpose. I leave Greta on the ground with a toy as I walk into my room, pulling out my phone. I scroll down to Phil's contact and debate what to do.

If I call him, I could get yelled at even more or worse, broken up with. If I don't call him, I'll never know where he is. Although, even if I do call him he still might not tell me where he is. Hell, he might not even pick up. Eventually I decide that I have nothing left to lose.

First ring. I think this may have been a mistake. This may just make him angry. I don't think he will ever forgive me for shutting him out.

Second ring. If he answers, I know exactly what I am going to say. I'm going to tell him that I am ready to move on. I'm ready to get better.

Third ring. I am doubting him. He won't pick up. He is too angry with me, and I don't blame him at all. Everything that happened is my fault. If my fans hadn't harassed Adrian, he wouldn't have felt the need to commit suicide. Then if he was still alive, I wouldn't have shut Phil out.

Voicemail.