He Is My Everything

Chapter 21

Phil's POV + Remembering Sunday - All Time Low

I begin a firm, and almost apologetic, handshake with a father who has just lost a child. I know I will never truly understand the pain they're all going through right now, and I hope I won't ever have to. But for now, I have to imagine all of their sorrow. I have to, somehow, figure out how to help them through this travesty. I close my eyes for a brief second before realizing it's too much for me to handle. Negative thoughts fill my mind within moments and I suddenly understand everything. I understand why Dan locked himself away from me. I understand the heavy silence filling this room. I understand why Dan didn't want to talk to me or eat or sleep or move or live.

I can see my brother, Martyn, finding a gun loaded with the words of the world. I can see him crumbling to the ground in a no longer living body. I can see Adrian's death. I can feel everything.

I need to stop. I can't handle this much more. I don't want to think about how Dan feels right now. I need him to be better. If this is what he feels like, I need to help him through it. I need to have him be alright again.

All of these thoughts pass quickly without recognition from the grieving family. A small group of gentle tears well up in my eyes. I wipe them out with the back of my hand, not moving from my position near Dan's parents. I look over to see Dan speaking with his mother. I want to say something to help, but I'm scared I'll only make it worse. That seems to be a reoccurring theme here, doesn't it?

Out of the corner of my eye I can see Mrs. Howell take Dan by the wrist, pulling him lightly to the corner of the room. This begins to spark my interest.

Why is she pulling Dan away? What're they talking about? Why can't I know?

I subtly disconnect from our small group and head over stealthily to the corner they're in. "Because of your fans." Are the only words I manage to catch and the only ones I need to hear. Dan's hands come up to his face because of, what I'm assuming, is crying. He turns around to walk away from his mother and bumps into me. He looks me in the eyes, his beginning to turn red.

I pull his body closer to me, encasing him in my thin arms. He releases the tension in his muscles and collapses with only me holding him up. I tighten my grip to continue holding him up without dropping him to the ground. I can feel him shudder with every exhale through his sobbing. I manage to pull him gently out into the hall with me to be away from the crowd. I know they mustn't be helping him right now.

"Shh it's going okay, Dan. It'll all be okay." I mumble into his hair while trying to calm him down. His body shakes free from my grasp in a fit of angry tears. He looks over to me with a mix face of anger and sadness.

"No it's not! It's never going to be okay! My fucking brother is dead! He's never coming back Phil!" Dan yells in my face and pushes me away, storming out into the other hallway. I slide down against the wall and bury my head in my hands. I rub the tears out of my eyes harshly, leaving a stinging pain behind.

Stupid, useless, messed up brain. Why did I think that would help? I'm such an idiot. I shouldn't have said anything. This is all my fault.

Tears begin to fall faster than I hoped they would. Dan's going through so much right now. I just wanted to help him, lift some of this pain from him. All I did was add more to his plate. I feel so bad. For everything.

I probably wasn't trying hard enough. Maybe if I would've told him I loved him more, maybe if I would've hugged him tighter, maybe if I would've not lied to him. I know his brother won't come back. We all know. It's common sense, but I thought it would help him, and it didn't at all.

It takes a moment, but I manage to gain some composure and reenter the main room. I look around to try and find Dan when I see him getting up from his seat.

They must be starting the eulogies.

Dan reaches the podium with a small paper in his hand. He fumbles with it for a few seconds before unfolding it and reading its words. He wipes his face for the last time and takes in a deep breath before beginning.

"Hi everyone that doesn't know me, I'm Dan." He pauses slightly in the middle. "Adrian's brother." Soon enough, he starts crying again. His mother walks silently up next to him and you could hear them mumbling to each other.

"Are you going to be okay?" I can hear Mrs. Howell say in a soothing voice over to Dan. She reaches over to grab his arms, but he gently pulls them away.

"Yeah, mom, I'll be fine." He's lying through his teeth and his tears, and we all can tell. Nobody would be okay right now, and we don't expect him to be. That's one of Dan's issues. He thinks he has to be strong all the time. Like it's not okay to want to cry. Like it's not okay to feel depressed sometimes. What he doesn't realize is that it is okay. He continues on with his speech, looking down at his creased paper, tears still falling down his face. The sight causes the same occurrence to me.

"Adrian was a great brother, son, friend. Correction, he was my best friend. When he was starting to mature into his teen phase, he started talking to me more. Letting more out. Just generally getting closer to me." Dan slightly stutters and fumbles around with his words throughout his opening. I can see his eyes, red with sadness, from my seat near the middle of the group.

"At one point, I remember him telling me he was receiving hate from my fans. I had dismissed it as nothing because he didn't seem too upset about it, and I really expected more from my fans. I never thought it would come this far. I never thought that he would take his own life because of me. Because of the people I considered my family. This is all my fault I'm so sorry." He turns towards the casket behind him. "I'm so sorry, Adrian. I love you so much. This shouldn't have happened..." His words trail off shortly before his sobbing becomes very loud. I can't handle much more when I stand up and walk over to him. It takes some courage, but I get up out of my seat.

My feet fall quietly in front of the other until I'm up standing by him. I wrap an arm around his shoulder, rubbing small circles on his arms. I quickly turn around and hold up a finger as to tell the people to wait a moment. They all send me apologetic nods as I continue to try and comfort Dan.

"Dan, do you want to leave for a second?" He doesn't look up from the casket, but nods with a depression filled face. I lead him out back into the hallway where he sinks to the floor, much as I did minutes before.

"What's wrong, Dan?" I mentally facepalm at my own words.

What's wrong? What do you think is wrong Phil. He just lost his brother. His best friend. what do you think is wrong.

He merely glares up at me before he spits out a harsh whisper. "What the fuck do you think is wrong, Phil. I miss Adrian so much already. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's all my fault."

I pull him tighter and closer to me, then I plant a light kiss on his head. "I'm sorry. We're all going to miss him, but we have to try and be positive. He won't have to live with all of his pain anymore. And he wouldn't want us to be sad about this."

Dan releases a small sigh. "I'm trying, but it's really hard. Really, really, fucking hard. But I'm going to get through it. It's what Adrian would've wanted."

I smile slightly and exhale heavily. I love Dan so much. I can't have him be this sad forever. He doesn't deserve it. Nobody deserve this. Adrian didn't deserve it. But what's done is done.

Dan leans into me more, shaking with every breath. He closes his eyes while attempting to steady his breathing. He finally speaks again after regaining air.

"I love you, Adrian."